Tuesday, December 29

A bad case of the "Wondering Whys"












God is in control. 
And I'm very thankful for that.

Because as we all know
I would most certainly stink that job up.

But today as I run in the blustery winter wind and snow
Away from the reality
that is once again made known to me.....
I want to be in control.
for just a moment.
to just tweak God's plan
just the slightest bit.

Because quite possibly
He didn't hear me
quite right......
When I prayed and begged and pleaded
for the desires of my heart.

But the answer is once again no.
It always hits me in the face harder each time
it's said to me.
And today it feels really hard.

So I put on my boots.
And I run and run and run.
Away from reality
and towards it all at the same time.

And as I run
I think
and pray.
and ask why.

I run farther and farther.
I'm angry.
I feel sad.
and upset.
and wonder and cry and yell why.


Eventually, of course...
I stop running.
Partially because the truth hits me again in the head.
Partially because my non-running ability hits me too...
because of too many pieces of Christmas pie.
Followed by too many pieces of Christmas cookies.
And Christmas chips.
And not enough Christmas salads.

You get the point....

Anyway...
because of all of the above mentioned reasons....
I start walking
and i remember once again it's not for me to know why.

But even in that moment of undeniable truth
that it's not for me to know...
still want to know.
Just this once.
"I'll never ask again if you tell me now" I pray.
I try and barter this and that and say pretty please.
I say why a hundred-thousand times again.


Eventually
I just decide to shut up.
Excuse my language.

I'm just quiet.

And at first my prayers seem to be met with deafening silence.
Because the heavens did not open up and give me the answer
to my why.

But eventually
as I stay quiet,
I realize
that my prayers are not in fact being met with silence........
but met with peace.

The peace that passes all understanding.

when I finally do stop talking
and complaining
and questioning
and start listening...
I do stop asking why.
I don't ask even one more time.
not even silently.
not even a little bit.
I don't even want to know.

and I feel at peace.

So I calmly turn around
and walk back towards home.
thanking Him for peace.
and asking Him for nothing else.
because surely and positively He's given me more than
I deserve.
and that needs to be enough.
It is enough.
and it's not for me to ask what or when or why.

I'm just to stay quiet
and keep aspiring to please Him
in my actions and words and thoughts
and say
Thank You.

and then say nothing else.

even when it's hard.

Wednesday, December 23

2nd Grade Says

Preciousness flowed out of the mouths of 2nd grade today. I have been going over and over and reading version after version about why we celebrate Christmas and why exactly Jesus came. Today marked the 5th version we read of the story and their saucer eyes and quiet bodies were still present. It is amazing to see God working in even small children. I was truly blessed to be a part of that today.

Before our Christmas breakfast of munchkins, fruit, and Hawaiian punch (of course), I took "two" volunteers to pray. When 10 out of 12 hands quickly rose, I decided to let each of them pray. To hear each child's sweet prayer of thankfulness for Christmas touched me to the deepest core of my heart. It was so neat to hear most of my students center their prayer around the true meaning of Christmas.

The following (to the best of my feverish attempt to record his words in my brain) comes from a sweet little boy who is still learning about who Jesus is.....his words were so touching and my heart melted faster than Hershey meltaways..... (and those little guys melt fast)....


Dear Jesus, 


Make this be the best day ever. Make us be good. We love you so much. Make all our sins go away. We believe in you. We really love you. Make us have a "green" day and we love you. Make us have a fun day. 


Amen.


I felt extremely blessed today to be a part of such a special prayer time
filled with similar prayers of love and belief and thankfulness.


It certainly helped
refocus my focus
and calm the hustle and bustle
and recenter my heart to the center of Christmas.



I am the teacher, but sometimes my students teach me.
And after these past two weeks of teaching, I truly find myself desiring...

that the story never feels old...
that my eyes always be saucers of wonder...
that my body and soul stay still and quiet whenever I hear...
that my prayers at Christmas and all year round be filled with belief and thankfulness
about who Jesus is.
why He came.
and being eternally grateful for his eternal forgiveness and life.



Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 21

I would possibly consider marrying snow days...

because i am in love with them so. much.
almost as much as cvs and acme.
and that's saying a lot.


Snow days are filled with indescribable fun.
And I've decided to create an informative post about the "can"s and "cannot"s of snow days.

First and foremost, there is to be no dressing up.
and because you want to anyway,
you can run around your house and scream
"I'm staying in my pajamas and no one can stop me!"

and no one can.

You can watch talk shows like it's your job.
You can eat like it's your job.
You can not shower like it's your job.

I'll certainly be working on my new careers today.

You can eat cookies for breakfast and chocolate for lunch.
well, that's every day thankyouverymuch.
but today, it can be while you are screaming about your pj's.


You can wrap Christmas gifts or unwrap candy wrappers.
You can work on doing both at the same time.
I can teach you.
They call me #1 Pro Wrap Attack.

ok, that's a lie.
but possibly my secret wish.

Anyway...

You can dance.
Sing.
Create raps about wrapping and songs about snow.


No matter what your fancy, snow days must be filled with fun, dancing, and food.
There should be no cleaning.
No bed making.
No un-pajama clothing.
No vegetables.
And by all means, no exercise.

Shame on you if you did.


You just need to focus on partying like it's 2009. since it is.
true story.


so a big ho ho ho
and a merry
snow filled,
eating lots,
exercising none,
brain wasting tv watching,
dancing and singing
day to you.

may yours be as merry and bright as mine.

Wednesday, December 16

2nd Grade Says (unofficially titled *I deserve a medal for bravery....or at least for awesomely faking it"

Written in a journal entry:

"Mrs. Steevens is brave. She is brave when she sees spiters in chaple."



i remember this chapel day like it was yesterday....
pretty sure I said something on the lines of
"a spider? cool! let's let it crawl all over us and adopt it into the family!!"

oh wait...i think it actually went like this....
"a spider? super! i was surely hoping to see one of those today! take my picture with him!!"

mmm...ok...it's all coming back...i may have said
(in as calm a voice i could muster (picture high pitched voice with a couple squeaks)....)
"Wow...a spider...Mrs. Stephens doesn't really like them that much....let's let him crawl the wall and we'll try not to look at him. Mrs. Stephens is a little afraid. let's scootch over a bit"

yup. true honesty people.
and apparently true bravery.
because usually 2nd graders (and possibly sometimes on the occasion me)
scream and yell and beg someone to kill it.
and won't stop screaming and freaking out until it's dead.
and bravery simply equals staying calm.


but i was brave that day. (or was I too scared to kill it myself? i can't really remember...)
brave enough to let the spider live.
brave enough to not vomit in my mouth.  (except that i secretly did)
and pray that chapel would end soon. (possibly begging on my knees in my brain)
because i was certainly not going to kill that "spiter".


i love journal time.
children are just adorable.
i can't take their cuteness.
and i love that spiders and me and brave were all in one sentence.

but so help me heaven's beauty...may they never be in the same room as me again.






Thursday, December 10

2nd Grade Says.....

While journaling:
"Can I please put 3 excited marks in my story?"

After a moment....I realized this creative child meant "exclamation marks"
and I thought...wow...that pseudonym should take over!

And I almost called...
whoever the people are that came up with the ridiculous hard names for parts of speech and end marks.....
because really, isn't "excitedness" exactly what those marks are for?

pure genius.


After a recess disagreement....
"I know she called me that!"
Me: How do you know?
"I recorded it!"
Me: What do you mean?
"My brain heard it and recorded it for me through my ears."

Right. Perfect sense. I always record things through my ears. How silly of me to forget!




In other news....my blog has been...well...quiet lately.
It's been one of those couple-of-weeks.
And I'm not complaining.
Because the faster this month goes
the sooner Christmas is here.
But between work and work and couponing and work.....
I haven't much time
for creative juices.

Just a lot of time for milkshakes.
And collecting fat for winter.
I need to be warm you know.....
It's all for survival.



But I promise I will be back soon.
Because I'm been eating ever-so-much
And ever-so-deliciousness at that.

And I'm making 18 dozen cookies this weekend.
Which surely will bring at least one blog
............if I'm not in the ER for pumping of stomach
because I'm shamelessly thinking about
making a huge raw-eating dough ball
just. for. me.

Wednesday, November 18

"my body is sitting in traffic"

Sitting in traffic does a number on one's soul.

today was a monster jam.
bigger than a monster that comes out on halloween.
bigger than the monster loin for sale at shoprite.


in 2 hours i went 1 mile.
it was not super fun.
but i did lighten things up for myself.

and as i think about it
i realize
there are many emotional stages
while sitting on a slab of asphalt
for a percentage of your life.

At first the feeling is panic
you realize you will be a little late
and you hate it
and you want to crawl away with embarrassment

and soon you realize you could have crawled away
all the way to school
and gotten there sooner...


anyway- as you sit there
you start wishing crazy things
like wishing your car had a vaccuum
or a built in sewing machine
you know, to spruce up the place.

you start imagining what a GREAT car would have
an oven to make brownies in
a diet pepsi dispenser
a bed for resting
you almost wish for workout equipment
but realize you would just use it as a chair

you lazy thing you.


anyway....at least for me...that panic turns into a good case of the 
crazies.

you start trying to create acronyms for the words:
"traffic" and "hateyou" and "getmeoutofhere"

you start making up cheerleading chants including
"traffic traffic is no fun. traffic traffic hurts someone"
and
"u g l y, you ain't got no alibi. you ugly. traffic. you ugly."

you give up the chanting game
because you stink at it

so you switch to making up songs too
you sing songs that resemble "london bridge" and
"my bonnie went over the ocean" *ahem...note title*
you can't think of anything else
so you give up on those too.


at this point, you seriously start eating like
you are running a marathon
and not sitting in a car burning 5 calories an hour
so you eat a half dozen cookies and some raisinets. 
you are slightly perturbed you didn't bring a cooler filled with 
treats and sodas galore.


you may start talking to your car.
picture tom hanks and wilson
but for me it was me and my buddy honky-tonk.
who was the steering wheel.

i named him after his job.


and then, 
as "quickly" as you came.
or actually MUCH quicker.
you finally are on your way to your final destination.


and by the time your journey is over.
there is a small part of you that is sad
because of all the good times the ride has given you.

you give honky-tonk a little pat
lick the half dozen cookie crumbs off your lips
and emerge from the vehicle

very late
but grateful for the many made memories

**big shout outs to saturn, mer's cookies, apple for allowing me a way to facebook in the car, hand sanitizer wipes used to clean the car, and my beloved honky. the car ride would not have been the same if not for all of you. oh, and a big shout out also to cookie dough ice-cream. you know...because i'll always shout out for you...you wonderfully wonderful you**

Friday, November 13

He's thin, worth a lot, and sharp around the egdes....

yes, ladies and gentlemen.
the star of this post is the coupon.
all of those juicy, glorious papers secretly made of gold.

Yes I know you know I coupon.
Yes, I was serious before. But I am tee-to-tally loony for it now.


Today I got:
1 pumpkin pie
1 cool whip
1 Breyers ice-cream (negative cents paid!)
1 bag of tyson chicken tenderloins (9 dollar bag for 4 bucks!)
2 green giant steam vegetables
3 eight-ounce bags of shredded cheese
2 eight-ounce blocks of cheese
1 swiss miss hot chocolate 8 pack
2 pop-secret popcorn 3 packs
2 sweetened condensed milk
2 mentos gum packs (negative cents paid!)
1 pack of 4 sticks of butter
2 perdue short-cut chicken strips (5.99 each, got mine for 2.50!)
2 three-packs of yeast
2 brownie mixes
2 cookie mixes
2 icings
2 cookie doughs
1 EVOO (10 dollar bottle people for 4 bucks!)
1 vegetable oil
2 grand muffin packs
2 cinnamon roll packs

for 48.07. dollars people. regular dollar bills with no added gold or silver.
and the parenthesis i tenderly placed around some items were my big ticket sales.
but seriously, i could have parenthesis-ed up every stinkin item...

acme- you have seriously stolen my heart.


oh coupons. i love you almost as much as the food i bought.


now what the heck will i do with this food?
it's called stockpiling.
desserts were rock-bottom priced,
so i bought as many as i could with coupons and now i'm set.
and as you read above, lots of other sales were attacked as well.

like a bear in the wild.
i searched, pounced, and devoured!
and then i roared.

well, maybe it was a secret roar.
my husband is already a little worried.
although i was just skipping through the store and clapping....
i mean, that's totally normal, right?


next week, who knows what will be the mystery sale.
hopefully yogurt. and oreos.
oh sweet mother of pearl....let's not get started on the oreos.


the kicker people- not only did i spend 48.07, but i got 6 bucks off of my next purchase!! That's over 100 dollars in total savings today!


ahem......i did prepare a speech for this moment:
^clearing throat^
props and a big shout-out to my scissors.
coupon book.
mac.
money saving blogs.
my mom who showed me the blogs.
peelies.
philadelphia inquirer.
to all the people at acme.
and to me.
because i feel pretty coupon savvy right now.
not that i'm going to brag and blog about it or anything.

or put up my receipt on the fridge.


well anyway, i hope you felt inspired to cut your own little clippings of treasure.

roar.

Monday, November 9

bless you made-up holiday season...bless you.

I would like to declare a new holiday
and it lasts for three days
and takes place the days following halloween

and it would be called
"Candy Extravaganza Day"
or
"Sweet Sugar Loving Day"
or simply..
"Delicious Day"

well whatever it's going to be called
happy holidays to me.
happy hootin holidays.

i discovered this holiday
while on a weekly adventure to target
and stumbled into the halloween clearance.

talk about a pathway of love
into more love
and more
and more
and more.

oh the candy.
i wish you all could have been there with me.
i felt like mrs. willy wonka
which i know you wonder if being his wife is actually my secret wish
but have you seen that guy?
freaaaa-kay.

and actually, he's made up.
true story.

annnnnyway....

i got 18 bags of candy
at target
for half off.

and yes i spent 40 dollars on an excessive amount of nonsense
that is called sugar love
but it was half off.
so basically, halfway to free.
works for me.

and the feeling i get in my heart
when i think
"what do i choose to eat for snack?"
and realize i have 25 choices
because i strategically made sure
i bought bags with multiple flavors of goodness

i could sing
i could dance
and i do
right to the special cabinet
that is brimming with happiness.
love.
sweet sugar love.


i secretly wish for a pattern
to make a jacket
with 25 pockets
that i could stick one piece of sugar love
into each spot

sort of like an advent calendar
that i refill every day

speaking of advent calendars...
whoever decided one piece of chocolate would cut it is crazy.
it's hard enough to wait for Christmas
let alone telling me i'm only allowed to eat one chocolate
shaped like santa's hat
that actually fits an ant.


well either way
if you end up creating some sort of pattern
or sketch
or play-dough mold
whatever your medium
send it my way

the pockets could be secretly inside
or shamelessly outside
it doesn't matter to me
it's just my idea to make the world a little brighter
and my pockets full of love.
and the way to make my made-up holiday last for days on end.

happy delicious day to you.

Sunday, November 1

Ashley....

has been feeling a little bit like

burnt cookies
lucky charms with all charms gone missing
chocolate syrup that is now expired


But that's okay.

Because everytime I feel a bit shaky,
and the ground goes sandy.
the icecream goes melty.
and the diet pepsi goes flat.


It's my time to put on my running shoes
and go...
jog...
run....
like speedy mczeedy
right back to the fact that
He is.
And
I am
most certainly not.


It's not up to me.
And that's okay.
His timing is perfect.
And I'm so thankful He is in charge.
Because I would really, really stink at it.


And I'm thankful that when I feel empty, He fills up my cup.
Because then I feel whole again.
And being filled with Jesus is amazing.


And I won't lie
and say feeling stinky doesn't stink.
cause it really does.


But I still put my shoes on
and run to Jesus
because things are better there.
and if stinky times
makes me run
faster
and harder
and more often
to Jesus

then bring. it. on.

Wednesday, October 28

Current Food Addiction....

which you'd think would take over the previous addictions...
but actually is now just added to the list.
making the foods i am currently obsessed with
to basically, 96 items.

any hoots....

Caramels with cream centers are taking over my life.
I think about them.
Invent new ways to eat them.
Almost cry when I don't bring some to eat during the day.
And literally skip to the table when I get home
to eat the goodness.



And I currently am sitting in a filth of wrappers.



I'm not exactly sure why
But I go into whatever I do with both feet...

and I've jumped right into
heart-race causing
caramely goodness
creaminess creamy cream that is. just. so. sugary. creamy.
the words are leaving me.....
the love just flows from my soul.

....sigh

i'm in love, i'm in love,
and i don't care who knows it.



*she twirls to stage left.
throws her hands in the air
sings a little ditty about caramels
shoves three pieces of the goodness in her mouth.
and exits.
barely fitting through the door.
but happy.

Tuesday, October 20

Cheesy Plea

I was pretty excited to see that since the middle of September,
when I finally stuck a site-meter on my blog,
I have had over 350 visits and 650 page views!
Oh my juicy lemons, is that exciting to me!
(Oh my soul- I am feeling so cheesy tonight, it's not even funny.)

Speaking of cheese, my beloved Wisconsin Cheddar
in the fridge
died of mold poisoning.
RIP cheesy love.


Any hoots a holla....

I would super love if you read my site,
to become a actual follower.
It's simply for my own curiousity
(which I know killed the cat...
but I'm neither a cat nor a fan of cats)

Anyway,
just go down to "those that read" and follow me!
Create a profile (don't be scared), grab a bite, and voila!
You now follow me and have a snack!
(If you did follow the directions in grabbing a bite)


Back to the cheese,
I was feeling extra sharp cheesy and create this little jingle...
It may have been stolen from one. mr. rogers.
whose person i loved.
but puppets made me want to do a little scaredy shake.


Without further ado....


It's a beautiful day in this blog I write,
A beautiful day for you to officially join this site,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It's a neighborly day in this blogger site,
A neighborly day for a friendly bite,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have official blogger followers just like you,
I've always wanted to see who really reads my blog, and so do you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,
Don't just read me on reader, or just visit and play,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my subscriber?

Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my subscriber?

Sunday, October 18

A Sucker for Suckers (350 of them)

If you know me at all, you know I love a great deal.
Can't really ever pass up a great deal.

Even if it's sometimes (most of the time) slightly ridiculous,
I am instantly brainwashed by the sale-factor,
and lose sight of what i am actually buying.


i have bought 3 pounds of onions because they were on sale.
which the fruit flies wildly enjoyed.

i have bought a shirt on sale.
because it may fit me later.

i recently bought mint chocolate chip yogurt on sale
which i fortunately loved.
but a little risky, dontcha think?


Any hoots a holla,
this post mayyy be about one of those such times in my life.....


Amazon says "150 lollipops for 10 bucks".
A normal person says:
"Who the heck wants 150 lollipops?"
I say
"Oh my soul- I KNEW it was a lucky day!
6.6 cents for one lollipop if I buy 150? I'm in"


Oh dear friends, the story does not end there....


I keep reading Amazon's great deal.
I read:
"350 lollipops for only 15 bucks".

Now, a normal person doesn't even read this deal.
I, however, start freaking out.
"My soul! Have I JUST won the biggest prize ever???
4.2 cents for one lollipop if I buy 350?"
My eyes may have welled up in tears.


I go to the site to learn more.
I watch the movie about the lollipops.
I learn how real fruit juice go in them.
I learn how carrot juice gives them their color.
I drool over all the flavors.
I read reviews made by other suckers....

pun intended.

i'm hysterical.


Aaaaanyway....

I order.
And then they come in the mail.
I open the very large box.
And I think...
"What on this glorious green earth from heaven above was I thinking?!?"


But, because the box exploded candy
and my counter was now full of sugary goodness,
a enormous part of my heart was very excited.
and i exploded with laughter and glee.


So I ate one lollipop.
And let me tell ya,
the reviews don't lie.
And neither does the movie.
However.....
I have 349 to go.
And that's a lot of suckers.


So if you are my friend, please excuse my behavior for the next several months.
As I offer you lollipops.
And your children lollipops.
And your children's children lollipops.


Did I learn my lesson?
Probably not.
Next time there is a sale on candy.
I will probably buy it.
Because I'm a sucker for sales.
And I always will be.
And secretly I'm glad.
Because when I open the pantry and see lollipops everywhere,
My heart starts to flutter
because of excitement
happiness
and most likely a small part of sugar overload

which is a-ok with me.

Thursday, October 15

Directions for the most amazing dinner ever in life:

**Note- you probably should read my MckMuscle post if you want this post to make a blessed sense**

Run to Wegmans.

Grab:
Two chicken breasts.
A can of RoTel tomatoes with cilantro and lime.
Tortillas.
Cheese.
Sour cream.

Got it?

Ok, grab a skillet.

Cut up the raw chicken muscle.
Dump it into the skillet with the tomato goodness.
Cook together until the chicken is cooked and the liquid is evaporated.
Yes, the muscle liquid. ew.

Ok, moving on.
That should take around 10 minutes.

While that is cooking,
take a tortilla
sprinkle a good amount of cheese
i prefer around 2 cups of cheese...

on each tortilla.
and i may sneak some straight up cheese mouthfuls on the side.


alrighty, moving along again.



So you have your cheese on the tortilla.
Throw on the chicken tomato goodness.

Fold in half.
Place on skillet again.

Cook for 3 minutes on each side
Which is just enough time
for your chicken/tomato and your cheese
to become a wonderful marriage of
chicken/tomato/cheese goodness.


Put on plate.
Sour cream for dipping.

Voila!
A yummy dinner that cooks faster
than blogging about it.


P.S.- Serves two
P.S.S- a liiiitle spicy. not mouth-on-fire spicy or sunburn spicy. just a little tickle.

Monday, October 12

Big Foot's Brother from another Mother

Dearest Shoprite.

Your prices may be rite.
But your pork selection is simply wrong.
As is your spelling of right.

A pork loin sale should be exciting
not frightening
as it was when i went to the aisle on sunday
looking for a 2.5 pound pork loin.

and lo and behold, that was not to be found.

Clearly,
your sale should have read
"Pork Monster found at bottom of river.
Monster's loin for sale this weekend!"

because only a monster pork's loin would weight in at 17 pounds.

and in my horrifying terror,
as i stumbled away from the case of monster loin,
i became even more frightened
as i saw various other pork products for sale.
things that should never be for sale.

pork hocks.
which are ankles.

pork hooves.
which are slightly like feet.

and pork skin.


seriously??
shoprite. that is just wrong.

does anyone really walk into your store and say:
"May I please have some hock, hoof, and skin please? It's my uttermost shopper's delight."



oh market of shopping rite
how could a store that promised me so much right
only provide me with
so much wrong
and terror
and fear
and vomit in my mouth.


i just don't think i can shop in a store
that sells monster muscles.
and their itty bitty toes.
and all the bits in between.


and so,
dearest shoprite,
i regret to inform you this will be the last bit of correspondence between us.
and i will never walk through your doors again.


unless you have that fab sale on turkey hill skinny minty again.
then i'm totally there.

sincerely,
your biggest monster muscle hater,
ashley

Thursday, October 8

RIP Draining Spoon

Plastic melts.

Plastic melts over boiling water.

Plastic melts over boiling water and may drip onto the stove.
Which may cause a small fire.



In three small minutes, a complete plastic draining spoon melted today on the stove.
And made a weird black plastic sculpture.
That slightly resembled brownie batter.
But smelled like tire batter.

And this creative little sculpture may have definitely caught on fire.



And I was upstairs getting out of work clothes into sweat pants.
And moving quickly.
Because honestly,
who wants to be dressed up for any more minutes
then they absolutely have to be.


Apparently, 3 minutes gone is too long.
Unless making melted plastic sculptures is your secret wish.


And it's fire prevention week.
Not fire creation week.
Which is too bad, because I would have won the gold medal today.


At least I can tell everyone that I "checked" my smoke detector.
I just won't mention how.

Tuesday, October 6

MckMuscle

um chicken tenders are muscles.
chicken thighs are muscles.
steaks are muscles.
pork chops are muscles.

um. i want to know the guy who said "I'm hungry. I need a muscle. A muscle sounds delicious."
And then wandered off and ate that poor pork's rump.


that's disgusting.


i'm glad i wasn't there the day that eating muscles was deemed appropriate.
because it's all fun and games until someone loses a muscle.
through biting. chewing. swallowing.


i mean, seriously,
what if a chicken ate your rump?



i eat chicken. steak. pork is tricky, but i'll eat it.
am i the only idiot who did not think about what i was actually eating?



i thought it was MEAT.
i thought that there was a part of a chicken called meat!
Because my mom told me I was eating meat!
Because the cook told me I was eating meat!
I thought I was eating meat.
Meat is meat.....right?

No. There is a little bitty synonym that everyone in my life
failed to mention to me.
Meat = muscle.


And I'm sure you are wondering, but no,
I'm not actually a vegetarian after realizing this.
And I actually ate my muscle in nugget form tonight.


Which only slightly grosses me out.
But really, even with knowing this information
i should have known since i was 7,
chicken nuggets are still chicken nuggets.
which may be a synonym for muscle.
but is actually also a synonym for yummy.


so i'll eat you my mckmuscle, and your little breading too.

Tuesday, September 29

**Peace Out Worry- Peace is in the House**

It's weird.

I have been feeling very
calm.
not stressed.
not worried.

And it's kind of strange.
And very relieving.
And very exciting.

How? Magic potion? Fanny pack filled with chocolately treats?

No....not this time.

I feel peace.
the peace that passes understanding

not the peace that is superficial.
what i feel when everything is perfect.
when everything is really very good and very true and very right.
and i pat myself on the back and say
"Good Job Kiddo for feeling peace when everything is perfectly peaceful"


No....
it's that special kind of peace
the kind i never really knew if i believed in
and never thought i would have....

there are so many things i should be stressing about right now.
so many things i should be worried about.

and yet, i feel peace.


it's quite an amazing feeling.
i'm so glad i'm not in control
that Someone bigger and greater
My Creator
is deciding my future.
every part of my life.
even the small stuff.
even the stuff i tend to worry about.
He already has it planned out.
and He takes care of me.

He gives me that peace.
He's the only way to have peace beyond understanding.
And I'm glad I finally curled up at his feet.
And stayed there.


i still cry.
i still think.
but in every moment/minute/hour/day/or week that the emotions last....
i still feel peace.
and i praise Jesus for that.

amen.

Monday, September 28

Today.....

I did not drive slightly fast in the rain
through the worst rain since Noah
through puddles the size of a small pond
running over a small tree that was in a road....
or an extremely large branch with other branches and leaves branching from its thick body
however you want to view it...

just to eat two pieces of pizza the size of my head.



I did not follow them up with 5 grasshopper cookies.

I did not follow the grasshoppers up with two chocolate chip cookies.

My heart is certainly not racing from excessive amounts of sugar....

and I'm definitely not planning on eating a big bowl of ice-cream
mint chocolate chip
hershey's syrup
crumbled cookies
mercy.



Nope- I'm having salad with a side of salad.
Extra veggies, no dressing, and certainly no taste.
Because when it comes to eating, I'm a rock-star.
Eating only what bunnies eat.



I also did not throw my hair into a ponytail before brushing it this morning.
Because it would have been sloppy and frizzy.
And I never sacrifice beauty to beauty sleep.
I always get up extra early to do my hair ever so carefully
and daintily place makeup on my freshly washed skin.



I also don't eat cookies and
drink diet pepsi for breakfast.



Nope, I'm pretty much perfect.
Especially on Mondays.

Thursday, September 24

Crackers + Cheese = Lovely Loving

I love every step of crackers and cheese.

the realization that both parts of this wonderful marriage are on sale.

the purchasing.

the cutting...ahem...the slicing of the cheese.

the opening of the ritz package.

the arranging of cheese and cracker on a plate.

the chewing, swallowing, and happy belly full of crackery, cheesy wonderfulness.



let me just say this.
i'm not sure what crackers and cheese do for my figure,
but i sure do know what they do for my heart.


and secretly, i know what they do to my figure.
and i would like to suppress that information.
thank.you.very.much.

Wednesday, September 23

The Once-A-Year Treat (unoffficially titled- Why The Heck Did I Buy Candy Corn Again?)

Stop.

Stop me. please.


dear heavens, why did I go into CVS?
why did i go down the candy aisle?
why did i buy brachs america's #1 autumn mix candy (i.e.- candy corn)?

i thought to myself-
Ashley, you won't be able to stop.
Ashley, you feel sick after one candy corn.
Ashley, your heart races when you eat too much of these sugar bombs.


i still ate the sugar bomb.
actually, i ate most of the bag of sugar bombs.


i never do well with "mix candy". it's the ongoing battle of:
"did i eat enough of the chocolate bottom ones?" (the answer was no. so i ate more.)
"do i dare eat the giant pumpkin sugar bomb?" (the answer was yes. so i ate some.)
"did i fully enjoy the simplicity and originality of the regular ones? (the answer was no, so i ate some more.)



so i'll stop. now. because there is only about 20 left in the bag and i WILL NOT eat the whole bag.


and no, i'm not hoping i'll find a fallen candy corn in the blanket when i fold it up. after all the sugar bombs i ate, i would probably blow up...
or at least throw up.



but to eat one more delicious sugar bomb....what a moment that would be.

Tuesday, September 15

A Sudden Realization

I realized today driving home from my sewing class that I was acting a lot like small 2nd graders can act at times.

In 2nd grade I am the teacher.
In my sewing class, I am most certainly the student.
And today, I realized I most certainly can act like a small child in a sea of people, vying for attention.

And so, here we are.....

1. Even though it's not a race to finish first and there is no prize,
I still want to win.

2. It's hard to not peek at other's work.

3. You want to be cool and make jokes.

4. You make a joke and no one laughs.

5. You attempt to make a joke again,
because surely no one heard you,
because surely you are terribly funny.

6. No one laughs again and you realize you're not funny. at all.

7. You want to do your work the best you can,
until you're tired and need a snack.

8. You want your teacher to love your work,
so you show her as many times as it takes for her to say "Nice job."

9. You actually showed your teacher your work 47 times in one hour
to have these possible showers of praise.

10. You leave feeling proud of your accomplishment
and you're pretty sure the teacher loved yours the best.
and you're pretty sure she is still thinking about how awesome you are
(even though a secret part of you knows she is not).

Friday, September 11

Leggo my Oreo

I can eat 4 oreos in one sitting.

That doesn't sound so bad until you know what I mean by one sitting.
In which I mean that when I get up for anything and sit back down,
a new sitting begins.

I may have had 3 sittings in one night.

I may have had 3 sittings in one night four nights in a row.

I may have bought two packs of oreos.
They may be almost gone.


And the scale may have gone up 5 pounds this week.
Which is a lot of oreos.
Especially when they are washed down with chocolate chip cookies.
and ice-cream.
and chips.


i need to stop.
and i can't.
i've got the oreo bug and i just can't squash it.
my heart is literally racing from the sugar.
and i love it.


i better get up and stretch so that a new sitting can begin.
because i just ate 5 more.
and any more in one sitting would be gluttonous.

Sunday, September 6

Potty Talk

Painting your bathroom sounds like a great idea.

In fact, the billboard told me a fresh coat of paint would be awakening.

I thought when they said awakening they meant how I feel
when I smell the cookies baking in the oven
when I walk out of work on a Friday afternoon
when I realize i still need to eat my snack and dessert
when I hear Regina came out with a new album

Clearly, no.

I did not feel that way.

I felt unawake. and tired. and cranky. not even a brownie could make it better.


Sure, the color is fine, I didn't fall and break my head, it was just. so. tiring.
and disgusting.



If you have painted a bathroom before,
you know what I'm talking about.
The new relationship you develop with your toilet.
You hug it, lean against it, and learn it's every curve.

And we all know what toilets are for. And they are not for hugging.
Therefore, I did not want to hug my toilet.

It was not awakening.
It was gross.
And I had to do it twice.
Because Betsy Ross Moss House is a color that calls for two coats.
Even around the toilet.
So my perfectionist little spirit battled with my germophobic soul.
And the perfectionist won.
And the germophobe showered after.

If that bathroom needs a 3rd coat, I will scream so loud,
Betsy Ross will roll in her grave.

And I will take a torch to that billboard and shout
"Painting my bathroom is not awakening you son of a gun!"

And then I will probably eat a snack. and feel better.
Because a snack is what I end with at the end of every day.
especially the toilet hugging ones.

Saturday, August 29

Important News Alert

about.....cookies.

I love them.
a shameful amount.
an i-would-never-tell-anyone-how-much-i-think-about-cookies amount.

I recently had a new cookie.
oh. my. soul.

It's name in the recipe was a whoopie pie. But instead of that cake-like top and bottom (which is amazing as well), it had a cookie like top and bottom. With the delicious filling in the middle made of powdered sugar, cream cheese, and happiness.

yes, happiness.


I call it Whoopie Cookie.


And I loved it.
So much.
a shameful amount.
an i-would-never-tell-anyone-how-mu.....you get the point here.


I ate 3. And then they were gone.
My mouth and stomach burst into tears.
Well, you know, they would have if they had the ability to cry.


I will be making these for my loved ones (you). Because everyone needs to try a whoopie cookie. It will change your life. It could change the world. If all the world was made of whoopie cookies, oh what a world it would be.


that is all. i know you will most certainly be looking forward to your meet&greet&eat with whoopie cookie. i'll bring the camera.

Thursday, August 20

Sunscreen

I've learned five important things about the sun this month......

What I learned about the sun in California:
1. Buying sunscreen and leaving it in your bag does not protect you from the sun's damaging rays.


What I learned about the sun in New Jersey:
1. Putting sunscreen on your arms does not protect your back from the burning rays either.
2. Even if you put two layers of sunscreen on your arms, it does not protect your back.
3. Sunscreen is easy to apply but even easier to screw up.
4. Red as the color of hearts, sweaters, apples, chapstick, candles, blankets, toothbrushes, curtains, fabric, and skittles = happiness and attactive wonderfuness in every way.
Red as the color of skin = burning, peely, sadness. If my back could cry, it would. And I would lend it a tissue.


But, as everyone agrees, it's still totally worth it to be outside in the warmth of the sun, especially when it's shared with the people you love. I just think by now, I should have the "how-to-apply-sunscreen" thing down. And clearly, I don't.



On a complete other note, I chose grapes as a snack yesterday and I was concerned. Fruit does not equal snack. It equals I-guess-i-should-eat-this-but-it-will-absolutely-not-satisfy-me-or-equal-my-snack-over-my-dead-body.

Today, however, I ate 9 peanut butter cookies. And a lot of chocolate chips. Like a lot. Like maybe 50. or 100. And I washed it down with cheez-its. Then ate more chocolate chips so I could end with a chocolate taste.

So grape-day must have been a fluke. Maybe my time in the sun confused my taste-buds. Whatever it was, I'm glad it's over.

Monday, August 17

Wanted: The Maker of Hoods

It happens to everyone. That moment of panic right before going through security at the airport.
Nothing to hide, everything to fear.

One big question on your mind. Will you make it through without. the. patdown.

Usually yes. You take a deep breath in, walk through the metal detector, and breathe out. Collect your belongings and be on your way.

Unfortunately this deep wish of yours does not always come true.

Like yesterday.

You hear, "Excuse me, ma'am? Can you turn around please?" (oh, craaaaaap)
"You are wearing a hood so I need to check you."

Really?? Reeeeealy?

"Curse the maker of hoods!!" you shout (in your head of course).


And then it begins. You hope for a simple pat. pat. pat.
But sometimes you aren't so lucky.

Like yesterday.

Sometimes there seems to be a need to touch every inch of the suspected area.

And so it begins. Dancing fingertips start at the top of your back.
Prancing,
dancing,
stranger fingers
all over your back.
To the left.
To the right.
Too much to the left.
And yes, too much to the right as well.

Down, down, down your back the fingers dance.
"Stop!!" you scream (in your head of course).
"Curse the maker of hoods!!"


And just when things could get really uncomfortable, the fingers thankfully cease their dance.

"Thanks ma'am. You're done".
Gee. Thanks.

Then you sheepishly gather your belongings.
Run over to your traveling pal(s).
Silently ask forgiveness for cursing the maker of hoods.
And get a snack(s).
And vow to never, EVER wear a hood while traveling again.

Sunday, August 9

Today......

I most certainly did not dive into the backseat while coming home from the cabin

Reach into the trunk for the cooler that was filled with chocolate peanut butter pie goodness

Buckle myself into the backseat

Peel the tinfoil off the pie

Smell the goodness

And eat a large piece of pie
with no napkin.
and no fork.
only my fingers and finger licking goodness.


Nope- that would have been disgusting, desperate, and just plain piggish. I would never have done such a thing.

Monday, August 3

What I Learned At VBS

I killed a spider today.

Me. I did it.

It was teensy-tiny. It was brown.



But I was still scared. I gagged. I did a little "I'm scared of you" prance.

Yet, I mustered up the courage.



"And how did you do that?" you ask........ "Was it magic? A secret potion? The spider slayer appeared to help??"



Wrong, double wrong, triple wrong.

It was because today we learned in VBS today- "God is always with you, fear not!"



The lesson wasn't for me. In fact, I am about 12 years too old to attend VBS. Clearly, I am also about 12 years too old to be afraid to kill every single spider/beetle/ant. But I'm not too old to be reminded of God's truths!

So I killed that little stinker. He was as fast as lightening too. But God was with me, and I feared not!



I feel a poem coming on...........

Leaders can learn things at VBS too,
Like how God is with us through things old and new.
When creepy spiders are by the door
Creeping around so creepily on the floor,
Just pick up a shoe and smash that little critter
And cheer youself on like you are a home-run hitter.
Thank the Lord for helping you be brave,
And for the simple VBS truth that helped you today.

Saturday, August 1

25 Things About Me

I was reading through some things on my computer and found my "25 Things About Me" note that I posted on facebook in January. So I'm posting it on here. You, as the reader, fall into two categories and I have detailed instructions for you:

If you've already read this, you can
a. read it again
b. not read it again
c. eat a snack

If you haven't read this already, you can
a. read it
b. read it and eat a snack


Aren't I nice, giving you choices? Anyway, moving along..... I'm surprised all of these are still true- 7 months later!

1. I was saved because I saw the sun streaming through the clouds and I thought that heaven must look sometime like that and I knew God must have created all of it. I still have soul searching moments whenever I see a beautiful sky. I love window seats in airplanes and seem to not be able to stop staring out the window thinking about how Jesus saved me and how awesome heaven is going to be. It also makes me remember how small I really am. And why I am really on this earth. Like I said, MAJOR soul searching.

2. I love my house and the home my husband and I are making it. It will be so wonderful someday to fill it with the pitter patter of tiny feet, the music created by tiny hands, and to hear tiny voices call me "mommy".

3. I love purple because my mom brainwashed me.

4. I love junk food and will never give it up. Never. It's my new rule.

5. I listen to 89.5 every morning on the radio on the way to school.

6. I married my high school sweetheart and am in love with him.

7. I have dessert after dinner and snack before bed.

8. I love playing the piano. I'm a "notes on a page" kind of girl and wish I could fake like my sister and dad. I love singing and wish I could really SING.

9. I create stupid songs about everything the minute Dan gets home. I sing about dinner, cleaning, and whatever else comes up. I think it's because when I'm with him, my heart bursts with song. Corny, I know, but I really have a song in my heart whenever I am with him.

10. My husband thinks I'm funny. My mom thinks my husband thinking I'm funny is funny....because I'm really not.

11. I want my hair short when it's long and long when it's short.

12. I have wanted to teach since I was in kindergarten. I used to buy books and beg my brother to let me play teacher on him. I have over 500 children books.

13. Someday, I want to have a girl and name her Ava. I also want to have a Lily or Ella. And a Jack(son).

14. I love biking and wish I could bike more.

15. I love music. Any kind, anywhere. I find joy in all kinds of music. I owe my love of music to my parents, who pushed me through the hard years of "wanting to quit". Playing piano is now such a big part of who I am.

16. My brother and I played McDonalds before they actually made a McDonalds play set. We used to play amusement park too. And a lot of other fun things. I miss those times.

17. I really enjoy simple pleasures- my easy chair, ice-cream, freshly washed towels and sheets, new socks, inspiring fabric, thunderstorms, cookie dough found at the bottom of the freezer....

18. I am a worrier. About everything. My goal for this year is to surrender this part of who I am to the One I am striving to become more like every day.

19. I'm quickly realizing that surrendering is hard. I wrote a song about it. I play/sing it when I feel like I'm starting to worry. I sing it at least once a day. Like I said, surrendering is hard.

20. I am an aspiring sewer. I want to make purses and animals and quilts. I find joy in the doing and it is actually a calming experience, despite my perfectionist heart.

21. I had a pet rat named snowball. Dad killed him because he forgot to feed him. I didn't find out until I was twenty-two.

22. I love doing my devotions with a cup of tea. I wish I had time to do that more. Rather, I wish I made more time. We do what's important to us, right?

23. I was Cinderella my senior year. One of the top 10 best experiences of my life...even though it was in a really hard time of my life.

24. I appreciate my friends, family, and husband. I don't really enjoy being alone and feel safe when I'm with the people I love.

25. I love coupon shopping. When the receipt comes out of the machine, I get a thrill when I saved a lot of money.


So there you go. If you've never done this, I suggest you do! I guarantee it's fun, saves time, and saves money! (oh wait- that was the promise on a juice processor I almost bought....) Anyway, I guarantee it's fun, people learn things about you and you might even learn something about yourself!!

Friday, July 31

10 Important Steps To Follow When You See Red and Striped Spider Not From This Land #2

1. Scream
2. Throw up in your mouth a little.
3. Call the spider slayer and alert him of the situation. Ask if he can come home.
4. Spider slayer is at work. You're shocked because apparently work is more important then spider slaying.
5. Throw white trashcan from ikea over it's yellow and red striped thick body.
6. Gag a little because one of the legs got chomped by the lip of the trashcan.
7. Wish the floor was even and pray the spider doesn't escape in one of the cracks.
8. Wait for the spider slayer to get home. Peek at trashcan occasionally to see if it moved.

Spider slayer finally gets home. The door opens. Silence. Wait for it....

9. Throw up in your mouth a little when you hear the slap of a shoe smooshing the spider to its death.
10. Be overwhelmed with gratitude and kiss the spider slayer for saving your life. Unless it's not your husband. Then just give him a little handshake.

Monday, July 27

Fancy Fantastic Fanny Packs and all their hands-free care-free goodness

I found out today that not everyone is thankful that fanny packs exist. I mean, I guess I knew they weren't cool- I'm not wearing mine to church or to the mall or anything. But I thought that everyone, at one point or another, takes their fanny pack out of the closet and says/thinks "gee- i'm glad i have this because today's the day i need it!"

Anyone?

Hello?


What about the convenience of it all?? No panicking because you don't know where to put your purse on a rollercoaster. No shlepping around a big old purse all around God's green earth. No worrying about where your stuff is. Hands-free, care-free, wonderful goodness.

Anyone?

Hello?


Upon further investigation, even my dear husband said that outside of a major theme park, HE wouldn't even allow me to bring my fanny pack. Apparently, fanny packs blend in with all the funny hats and shirts Disney fans wear all around the park (which I also love) and so I was allowed to use it. I was shocked- I thought fanny packs were NORMAL.


Am I alone here? Does comfort and convenience always succumb to style?

Ok- so because I am sooooo comfortable in my own skin (and my fanny pack), here are some pics I found into COOL fanny pack world. Look how carefree and happy I am with both hands free! And I look totally awesome, right?





Hello??

Anyone??

Wednesday, July 22

Currently.....

in love with:

Roasted Garlic hummus (hugging celery, carrots, wheatables)
Tabbouleh (hugging hummus and bread- those three foods LOVE each other. party in my mouth.)
Quilting (or my attempt at being somewhat sufficient in all-things-quilting)
Painting walls (even though it takes me 42.5 hours to decide on paint- help!)
My Nike hat (used for i'm-not-telling-you-how-long-ago-i-washed-my-hair-day). This hat was bought alongside the infamous bathing suit that has been worn only a few times...ok, once.

Sunday, July 12

An Ode To My 4 Days Without Diet Pepsi (unofficially titled: A Fancy and Useless 4 Syllabled 4 Stanza Poem)

Diet Soda.
Silver Can Top.
Crisp Opening.
Bubbly Goodness.

Calorie Free.
Amazing Taste.
Cool Brown Color.
Fizzy Bubbles.

Cool Blue Can.
Nice in my glass.
Can't live without.
My pepsi love.

And I promise
I will never
Go without you
Ever again.

Tuesday, July 7

Things I Am Delighted In

I love finding things that I didn't need and still don't need but wish I needed because they are just.so.cute/useful/fun/all-of-the-above

These are all from delight.com. and i'm in madly in love.




Key and Mail Organizer




Self Watering Plant Pot




Delight-Your-Room Wallflowers




Not-So-Cheesy Knife Set



When I win a million dollars, I'm buying these for me and all my blog followers. I'll let ya know.

Friday, July 3

SUV's, Salads, and Smooth Chocolate Loving

Car trips are a lot like eating a salad.


You prepare (Who really wants to eat a salad? It's definitely a preparation for me at least).

You sit down.

You go (driving or eating, just make sure you are not driving your salad or eating your car....that would be crazy- nothing like this post).


You have every good intention of finishing well.
You want to stick with what you started without veering off the track.

However, somewhere in the middle, you start to think it was a very. bad. idea. The road seems so long until you are finished.

You realize something is missing. Something is terribly wrong.

You start to go crazy. You just want to get up and run. You are yelling. You are crying. You are driving the people around you insane. You make up songs. You cry some more. You yell some more. The people with you tell you to go. to. sleep. That makes you cry more. and yell more.
You. just. want. to. crawl in a hole. and be gone.

At some point, you realize what that hole in your heart is for. you realize what you had forgotten to add. you realize you couldn't go on any longer without some.....

sweet delicious chocolatey goodness.



So being the problem solver you are,
you stop going.

You get up.

You prepare (Running shoes on- check. Cash in hand-check. Eye on the prize-check).


And then you run. literally run. to the nearest store, market, cabinet, closet, secret drawer, rest stop. and you get some chocolate.

you taste it.

oh that sweet chocolate.......you just want to kiss the baker.

you're so in love, you don't just eat your chocolate. You hug it. You love it. And then you eat it.



You've learned an important lesson today. You vow never to eat a salad or take a car trip again. at least not without having a well-stocked pile of chocolate on hand...and/or in your pockets (pants, shirt, and coat), filling your purse, stuck under your headband, hiding in your shoelaces, taped on your clothes, or stashed in your hood.


Well that's just me. And I certainly hope it's some of you. I would hate to be the only crazy normal one.

Tuesday, June 23

Reese Cups, Rolos, and Hershey Kisses, Oh My

I've made the mistake before. Buying miniature hershey treats to "cut back" on my chocolate eating. Deciding that THIS time, I was only going to have just one at a time.



And yet, after a whole trip home from Target pumping myself up for this new dieting tactic, I just justified having multiples...multiple times....in one hour of chocolatey pleasure.

Here is a glimpse inside my brain- the following is a true story.....

"Well, I can't JUST eat a reese's, I have to eat a hershey kiss and a rolo too. I don't want to hurt their feelings." (3 down)

"Wow- those three were good, but I really want to end with a peanut butter taste lingering in my mouth, so I must eat another Reese cup." (4th down)

"I wonder if I could suck on a Rolo until it melts." (5th down)

"Whoops- I forgot and nibbled the Rolo. I better try the game again." Three rolos later..... (6th, 7th, 8th down)

"Hmm, I haven't eaten many Hershey Kisses....I better have one, two, three more" (again, why am I afraid to hurt chocolate's feelings??) (9th, 10th, and 11th down)

"I'll just eat one more......of each." (12...13...14...)

"I didn't eat a Reese cup last, so I better eat one more." (15th down)



And this, dear friends, is how I ate not one, not two, but 15 miniature chocolates in one hour. Attempt 5,629 of dieting tips and tricks.......complete and utter failure. Maybe I'll try exercising tomorrow.

Actually, I better finish off the bag of treats so they aren't around to tempt me tomorrow.....I'll be on my way then.

Tuesday, June 16

Why I'm In Love With Apples

anything apple is so enjoyable. Not apple as in granny. apple as in mac. granny i can live without. mac- i. can. not.


this post is strictly devoted to my love for mac and their love for me. yes, mac loves me. here's why. i bought an apple (mac) the other day. it came with two rebates. which the sales person filled out for us.
i was totally impressed because most rebate situations end with me on the floor in a heap crying because i don't understand the crazy directions and order of the confusing rebates....

i'm pretty sure when we bought our dell a few years ago and we were given rebates....our sales associate did not fill them out with us in the store to ensure we got our money. he did not sit us down in comfy outer space chairs and type out the information for us. instead we were given 4598 pieces of paper and told that 38 of them held the keys to getting our rebates. When we finally found those papers, from what I can remember of course, these were the directions:

1. Take this rebate paper and using your magic decoder pen, fill out the form. Proceed to take the rebate to the tallest tree over yonder.
2. Climb the tree and find the squirrel with green eyes. Place the rebate inside a hand-sewn collar and place around squirrel's neck.
4. Place squirrel inside a paper boat made out of paper from the smallest tree in China. Teach squirrel human speech and give it directions to the dell rebate processing center. Feed it two white mushrooms and gatorade for its journey.
5.Start the squirrel on it's journey by placing the speedboat down the Mississippi River. Instruct the squirrel to stop at the big cherry tree next to the dell rebate processing center where it will be met by some mysterious rebate dude that may or may not bring it inside the processing center to be processed.
6. Wait 17-29 weeks for the rebate to arrive. If it arrives at all. And only part of it will. And only if the squirrel reaches it's destination on Tuesday. Between 10:03 and 10:04

You see, rebates are hard to fill out and ridiculous to get right. They anger me because I feel like it's all a big game of rebate rollercoaster and you never really know exactly what to do. I always thought that rebates were only to be filled out on the days that I felt especially smart and had nothing else to do. And had lots of tissues. And belly aches. And anger with rebate rollercoaster.

And I just appreciated that Apple (mac) filled my rebate out for me. I wanted to give them props. So official props for Apple. Thanks for always being there.

Sunday, June 7

An Essay: My Summer Vacation

This summer will be an exciting one. I plan on starting each day by getting out of my night pajamas and into my day pajamas. I will then do a little no-work dance that will start in my bedroom and go down the stairs into the kitchen where I will prepare my breakfast. For breakfast, I will have cereal with milk (not cereal shoved into a baggie to shove into my mouth so i can get to work on time) and orange juice (not the warm water in my car left over from yesterday's water bottle).

I will then do my no-work dance again as I dance my way up to my sewing room (aka- room with futon that needed a fancy name like "sewing room"). I will then sit in my day-pajamas and sew and sew and sew all morning long. I will only take breaks for food and to take calls from friends asking me to do fun day-time things (which i will sometimes change out of my day-pajamas for, but sometimes i will proudly wear them).

Food will be a very exciting part of my summer vacation. I will eat lots of fun foods including peanut butter, reese cups, cheese, snickers bars, and tootsie pops. To balance my diet, i plan on cooking and baking up a storm for dinner and snack time with husband. But daytime eating will be an utter celebration of no-work and i may even do my no-work dance while eating.

Because I have worked so hard on losing weight (aka- getting my wisdom teeth out), I plan on skipping on outside for walks, possible gym trips, and maybe even do a no-work dance outside. Of course, since my days are already brimming with activity, i may need to cut out something....

My afternoons will also be bustling with snacks and TV. TV is a very important part of summer vacation. Catching up on shows and infomercials is crucial in order to stay aware of the latest workout equipment, homes for sale in Minnesota and Oklahoma, the best place to eat in Kansas, why puppy mills are bad, which disease i may have, and which new ziploc bags to buy.

With all this excitement, I feel a poem coming on....
Summer summer is so fun.
Summer summer in the sun.
Summer summer sewing lots.
Summer summer cooking with pots.
Summer summer no-work dance.
Summer summer day pajama pants.
Summer summer you are finally near.
Summer summer you are so dear.

Thursday, May 28

Laffy Taffy is no laughing matter

I want to share a two part story with you. No dear friends- this is not really about laffy taffy. I wish it was. This is a story of a poor girl who lost all her pride because of a laffy taffy look-a-like. Read on.....


Part 1:

I went to the oral surgeon for my post op visit. My mouth was still pretty swollen, which I informed my dear doctor about.

The following was said to me:

"I'm just going to rinse back there for you with a little water"
Translation: I'm going to put salty watery slime back there for you to spit into a little plastic bowl like a helpless little lamb.

"I'm now going to tuck a dressing in the area to calm the swelling and make the healing go faster"
Translation: I'm now going to tuck iodine flavored laffy taffy into the middle of your wound with a sharp metal tool.

"Your mouth may taste a little bit like iodine"
Translation: Your mouth will taste like you licked a metal pole and you liked it so much that you continue to lick and lick and lick. for hours. You will salivate, you love the metal taste so much.



It wasn't all that painful...it was just. so. gross. tasting. And made my mouth salivated iodine. I was drooling iodine. I had yellow dye on my chin. I was a big, iodine, yellow, taffy mess.



Part 2:

Dan said the traffic was too bad to go home (we were out by King of Prussia mall at 5:30pm). The mall seemed like the only real option and so off we went.

Let's remember my laffy taffy mouth is still alive....

I shut the door to the car and quickly realized that my mouth was continuously filling up with lime yellow iodine laffy taffy saliva that I was NOT going to swallow. Was. Not.

I swallowed any pride (My 24 hour mini-motto: Swallow the pride- NOT the iodine) I then proceeded to open my car door every time Dan stopped the car to spit. Every. Time.

Stop Sign: Spit.

Traffic: Spit

Red Light: Spit

One car around: Spit

Many cars around: Spit

Cool cars around: Spit

If there was a huge bus of Olympians, the actors and actresses from LOST and Chopin and Bach themselves, I would have spit. Desperate times call for desperate measures.


I left a trail of spit through the beautiful hills of Radnor all the way to the parking spot at the mall. Where I opened my car door and spit. like a sailor.


Now being very ladylike, I of course stopped spitting once we went into the fancy mall. Right?

You betcha I did....not.


With every passing trash can- Spit. People around. Spit. Expensive stores with trashcans directly in front of their stores. Spit. Cute preppy people sitting on a bench facing a trashcan. Spit.

Spit. Spit.

Spit.



Today, I am a tad embarrassed that I actually swallowed my pride and not the spit. I'm actually surprised I'm sharing this story with you. But what's a story, if not to share?




Words for the wise- lime yellow laffy taffy at the dentist is NOT in fact laffy taffy that you will get at the end of your visit for being good. It is metal tasting danger and will cause you to spit uncontrollably, no matter where you are or what you are doing. You will have no shame for yourself or who you are with.


Laffy Taffy anyone?

Tuesday, May 26

Oxycrazy: poetry, wise words, and applesauce

So I made it through the surgery. And I'm 3 pounds lighter!! When you eat considerably less, you lose weight! Imagine that!

I'm getting creative with what I can eat. My mouth is still pretty sore and solid foods are proving to be a bit difficult.

Today's big creativity with eating was after my dinner of pancakes with peanut butter that I ate with my front teeth. I thought it would be a GREAT idea to suck on some popcorn. Boy, was that disappointing....and pretty disgusting.

Oh- and back onto chewing with your front teeth. I quickly realized that's only adorable when you're one year old or a chipmunk. Which clearly, I'm neither.



Now- on to the oxycodine talk.... the following are things you may say when on oxycodine. My wonderful husband thought it would be funny to write down things as I said them in his little moleskin notebook that he loves. And now that I am off oxycodine, I thought I would share some of my words of wisdom.

So go ahead and read. You can
1. laugh
2. chuckle
3. say- "That girl thinks she's funny and she's not".

Whatever your fancy, go ahead and read anyway. I think some of it's pretty mind-blowing.

1. The sahara desert is like a rainstorm compared to my mouth. My tongue is as dry as a lizard, not a lizard tongue because they are slimy. Just as dry as a lizard.

2. I close my eyes and I travel ....I travel down the hall...I travel down. But when I open my eyes, I haven't gone anywhere.

3. My body says "Sit down- you're heavy." My mind says "But I have to get up- I have to pee." So my stomach says "Have some food."

4. If we can go to the moon, we can invent a bag of ice that you can wear on your head.


and some poetry for the poetry lovers:

Water all around me
But nothing I can drink.
Water all around me
It's all that I can think.
Water all around me
I just want a glass or two.
Water all around me
Oh water, how I love you.


And that's all. Thanks to all who prayed me through my close call with death.

Ok, the dramatic behavior is over. I promise. And no more webmd for me. At least not until the next health related incident.....

Thursday, May 21

Dove Love

So tomorrow's the big day. go time. ready. set. go.

this time tomorrow, i'll be 1.379 ounces smaller (approximately four teeth).


i have a really good memo for myself for next time....don't ever EVER spend hours looking up medical complications. it's scary. upsetting. panic attack creating. no good. only bad. really upsetting. terribly upsetting. i'm upset.


i have been in mourning all week in preparation for the day. what does mourning entail, you ask? Not fasting. Not crying. Not thinking. No- my mourning has included eating whatever I want whenever I want, and absolutely no exercise. The best form of mourning is no exercise.

Basically my definition of mourning (my extremely accurate definition of course- i have ALL four wisdom teeth still- so i'm very wise) has been me feeling sorry for myself. and food + no exercise makes me feel less sorry for myself.


should I end the drama now? am I incredibly annoying? well I'm sorry I'm so annoying. there is a LOT going on right now....did I mention I'm getting my wisdom teeth out??


ok. drama is over. but the mourning is not. it's time for some Dove Love.

Sunday, May 17

Wisdom Teeth Worries

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I have a few thoughts about this.....

1. Dan lost feeling in half of his mouth when he got his out. One nerve reconstructive surgery later- he feels some hot and cold. (Personally, I would like to taste my food if at all possible)

2. I feel very upset that I even have to get them out. Why do they have to be impacted? The Lord KNOWS how much I hate not being in control and I'm pretty sure when I'm knocked out, I won't be in control..... (I just don't want to be in the game show of "Who's in Control" with my teeth!!!....)

3. I have so many worries- dry socket, not being able to taste food, and dying....oh my soul. i'm scaring myself right now- must. stop. writing. medical. fears.

4. There is no eating for a while. Now while my outside belly (chubby) thanks me, my inside belly (food lover) does not.

5. I'm not a huge fan of pain. I know that no one is, but I'm REALLY not. Plus, I am target #1 for saying dumb things when on pain medicine as light as Tylenol PM and Aleve, so I'm pretty sure the crazy OxyCodin will do a number on me (Dan is already sworn to secrecy for my words of wisdom on OxyCodin).



so these are my thoughts for now. when i think about the surgery on friday (which i KNOW is minor and i'm not trying to be a big baby....but sometimes, i am!!) i want to curl up in a ball and cry and beg Dan not to make me. but he says i have to. because my teeth hurt. because he knows best.


And no, I did not just secretly pray that the Lord would work a miracle where my wisdom teeth would POOF into thin air. I did not also just promise God I wouldn't tell anyone about the secret miracle. No....I would never pray something so silly.

Friday, May 15

What happens when the spider slayer is in Arizona

So I did not post any sweet Wonderfuls on Wednesday because I saw a spider upstairs and that made me afraid to go in the basement where the computer was. (that doesn't even make sense to me so it's fine if it makes no sense to you).

But now, fully recovered, I would like to tell you about this spider.

1. Thick. (a thick spider is a scary spider)
2. Red and yellow stripes (not from this land)
3. Quick (like race-car fast)

So I see this spider.

*small panic attack*

I grab a shoe and pray "Lord Jesus help me"

I hit him with a shoe. He is as fast as lightening and gets away

*big panic attack*

I get my central vacuum and plug it in. I put the hose near him and he STARTS TO CRAWL AWAY. what kind of spider is strong enough to crawl away from a vacuum hose??

A monster spider. not from this land. with yellow and red stripes. thick.


I start to go into a small panicking tizzy- I consider my options. Hotel, stay with friends, sleep in car.....

*small moment of courage*

I stuck that hose right up to it's yellow and red striped thick monster body and away he went.


I left the vacuum on for 5 minutes, because I was not sure how well monster spiders liked to be sucked down to their death and I didn't want to fight with it again.

After two hours of worrying that it might crawl around in the tubes in our house and make monster spider BABIES and would take over our home, I got to talk to Dan who told me the spider was now in smithereens.

*Still panicked*

Now I was scared about other things- like bad men coming in my house to get me, other creatures that were lurking around, how many spiders I have eaten in my lifetime......

I was scared until I scared myself silly, then I scared myself sleepy, and finally asleep.



I'm glad my spider slayer is home. This was one battle that I don't want to have to fight again.

Sunday, May 10

Curtain Rods and Joy Songs

5 dollar curtain rods aren't as nice as they seem
They buckle under pressure and make me want to scream.
They leave nasty holes in the wall when I have to take them down.
They make me cry and pout and frown.

My Target curtains are not good either
They are not straight which gives me a fever
One side is short and the other is long
In curtain making 101, that is very wrong.

And so I face a decision very grand
Keep the cheap or spend more dollars then I planned
Keep blank walls with their stupid holes
Or buy new things quickly so I can be consoled.

I have a hard time when things aren't as planned
I pout and I cry as loud as a band
But today, I'm putting my big-girl pants on
And going to instead, sing a joy-in-my-heart song.