Wednesday, October 28

Current Food Addiction....

which you'd think would take over the previous addictions...
but actually is now just added to the list.
making the foods i am currently obsessed with
to basically, 96 items.

any hoots....

Caramels with cream centers are taking over my life.
I think about them.
Invent new ways to eat them.
Almost cry when I don't bring some to eat during the day.
And literally skip to the table when I get home
to eat the goodness.



And I currently am sitting in a filth of wrappers.



I'm not exactly sure why
But I go into whatever I do with both feet...

and I've jumped right into
heart-race causing
caramely goodness
creaminess creamy cream that is. just. so. sugary. creamy.
the words are leaving me.....
the love just flows from my soul.

....sigh

i'm in love, i'm in love,
and i don't care who knows it.



*she twirls to stage left.
throws her hands in the air
sings a little ditty about caramels
shoves three pieces of the goodness in her mouth.
and exits.
barely fitting through the door.
but happy.

Tuesday, October 20

Cheesy Plea

I was pretty excited to see that since the middle of September,
when I finally stuck a site-meter on my blog,
I have had over 350 visits and 650 page views!
Oh my juicy lemons, is that exciting to me!
(Oh my soul- I am feeling so cheesy tonight, it's not even funny.)

Speaking of cheese, my beloved Wisconsin Cheddar
in the fridge
died of mold poisoning.
RIP cheesy love.


Any hoots a holla....

I would super love if you read my site,
to become a actual follower.
It's simply for my own curiousity
(which I know killed the cat...
but I'm neither a cat nor a fan of cats)

Anyway,
just go down to "those that read" and follow me!
Create a profile (don't be scared), grab a bite, and voila!
You now follow me and have a snack!
(If you did follow the directions in grabbing a bite)


Back to the cheese,
I was feeling extra sharp cheesy and create this little jingle...
It may have been stolen from one. mr. rogers.
whose person i loved.
but puppets made me want to do a little scaredy shake.


Without further ado....


It's a beautiful day in this blog I write,
A beautiful day for you to officially join this site,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It's a neighborly day in this blogger site,
A neighborly day for a friendly bite,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

I have always wanted to have official blogger followers just like you,
I've always wanted to see who really reads my blog, and so do you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,
Don't just read me on reader, or just visit and play,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my subscriber?

Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my subscriber?

Sunday, October 18

A Sucker for Suckers (350 of them)

If you know me at all, you know I love a great deal.
Can't really ever pass up a great deal.

Even if it's sometimes (most of the time) slightly ridiculous,
I am instantly brainwashed by the sale-factor,
and lose sight of what i am actually buying.


i have bought 3 pounds of onions because they were on sale.
which the fruit flies wildly enjoyed.

i have bought a shirt on sale.
because it may fit me later.

i recently bought mint chocolate chip yogurt on sale
which i fortunately loved.
but a little risky, dontcha think?


Any hoots a holla,
this post mayyy be about one of those such times in my life.....


Amazon says "150 lollipops for 10 bucks".
A normal person says:
"Who the heck wants 150 lollipops?"
I say
"Oh my soul- I KNEW it was a lucky day!
6.6 cents for one lollipop if I buy 150? I'm in"


Oh dear friends, the story does not end there....


I keep reading Amazon's great deal.
I read:
"350 lollipops for only 15 bucks".

Now, a normal person doesn't even read this deal.
I, however, start freaking out.
"My soul! Have I JUST won the biggest prize ever???
4.2 cents for one lollipop if I buy 350?"
My eyes may have welled up in tears.


I go to the site to learn more.
I watch the movie about the lollipops.
I learn how real fruit juice go in them.
I learn how carrot juice gives them their color.
I drool over all the flavors.
I read reviews made by other suckers....

pun intended.

i'm hysterical.


Aaaaanyway....

I order.
And then they come in the mail.
I open the very large box.
And I think...
"What on this glorious green earth from heaven above was I thinking?!?"


But, because the box exploded candy
and my counter was now full of sugary goodness,
a enormous part of my heart was very excited.
and i exploded with laughter and glee.


So I ate one lollipop.
And let me tell ya,
the reviews don't lie.
And neither does the movie.
However.....
I have 349 to go.
And that's a lot of suckers.


So if you are my friend, please excuse my behavior for the next several months.
As I offer you lollipops.
And your children lollipops.
And your children's children lollipops.


Did I learn my lesson?
Probably not.
Next time there is a sale on candy.
I will probably buy it.
Because I'm a sucker for sales.
And I always will be.
And secretly I'm glad.
Because when I open the pantry and see lollipops everywhere,
My heart starts to flutter
because of excitement
happiness
and most likely a small part of sugar overload

which is a-ok with me.

Thursday, October 15

Directions for the most amazing dinner ever in life:

**Note- you probably should read my MckMuscle post if you want this post to make a blessed sense**

Run to Wegmans.

Grab:
Two chicken breasts.
A can of RoTel tomatoes with cilantro and lime.
Tortillas.
Cheese.
Sour cream.

Got it?

Ok, grab a skillet.

Cut up the raw chicken muscle.
Dump it into the skillet with the tomato goodness.
Cook together until the chicken is cooked and the liquid is evaporated.
Yes, the muscle liquid. ew.

Ok, moving on.
That should take around 10 minutes.

While that is cooking,
take a tortilla
sprinkle a good amount of cheese
i prefer around 2 cups of cheese...

on each tortilla.
and i may sneak some straight up cheese mouthfuls on the side.


alrighty, moving along again.



So you have your cheese on the tortilla.
Throw on the chicken tomato goodness.

Fold in half.
Place on skillet again.

Cook for 3 minutes on each side
Which is just enough time
for your chicken/tomato and your cheese
to become a wonderful marriage of
chicken/tomato/cheese goodness.


Put on plate.
Sour cream for dipping.

Voila!
A yummy dinner that cooks faster
than blogging about it.


P.S.- Serves two
P.S.S- a liiiitle spicy. not mouth-on-fire spicy or sunburn spicy. just a little tickle.

Monday, October 12

Big Foot's Brother from another Mother

Dearest Shoprite.

Your prices may be rite.
But your pork selection is simply wrong.
As is your spelling of right.

A pork loin sale should be exciting
not frightening
as it was when i went to the aisle on sunday
looking for a 2.5 pound pork loin.

and lo and behold, that was not to be found.

Clearly,
your sale should have read
"Pork Monster found at bottom of river.
Monster's loin for sale this weekend!"

because only a monster pork's loin would weight in at 17 pounds.

and in my horrifying terror,
as i stumbled away from the case of monster loin,
i became even more frightened
as i saw various other pork products for sale.
things that should never be for sale.

pork hocks.
which are ankles.

pork hooves.
which are slightly like feet.

and pork skin.


seriously??
shoprite. that is just wrong.

does anyone really walk into your store and say:
"May I please have some hock, hoof, and skin please? It's my uttermost shopper's delight."



oh market of shopping rite
how could a store that promised me so much right
only provide me with
so much wrong
and terror
and fear
and vomit in my mouth.


i just don't think i can shop in a store
that sells monster muscles.
and their itty bitty toes.
and all the bits in between.


and so,
dearest shoprite,
i regret to inform you this will be the last bit of correspondence between us.
and i will never walk through your doors again.


unless you have that fab sale on turkey hill skinny minty again.
then i'm totally there.

sincerely,
your biggest monster muscle hater,
ashley

Thursday, October 8

RIP Draining Spoon

Plastic melts.

Plastic melts over boiling water.

Plastic melts over boiling water and may drip onto the stove.
Which may cause a small fire.



In three small minutes, a complete plastic draining spoon melted today on the stove.
And made a weird black plastic sculpture.
That slightly resembled brownie batter.
But smelled like tire batter.

And this creative little sculpture may have definitely caught on fire.



And I was upstairs getting out of work clothes into sweat pants.
And moving quickly.
Because honestly,
who wants to be dressed up for any more minutes
then they absolutely have to be.


Apparently, 3 minutes gone is too long.
Unless making melted plastic sculptures is your secret wish.


And it's fire prevention week.
Not fire creation week.
Which is too bad, because I would have won the gold medal today.


At least I can tell everyone that I "checked" my smoke detector.
I just won't mention how.

Tuesday, October 6

MckMuscle

um chicken tenders are muscles.
chicken thighs are muscles.
steaks are muscles.
pork chops are muscles.

um. i want to know the guy who said "I'm hungry. I need a muscle. A muscle sounds delicious."
And then wandered off and ate that poor pork's rump.


that's disgusting.


i'm glad i wasn't there the day that eating muscles was deemed appropriate.
because it's all fun and games until someone loses a muscle.
through biting. chewing. swallowing.


i mean, seriously,
what if a chicken ate your rump?



i eat chicken. steak. pork is tricky, but i'll eat it.
am i the only idiot who did not think about what i was actually eating?



i thought it was MEAT.
i thought that there was a part of a chicken called meat!
Because my mom told me I was eating meat!
Because the cook told me I was eating meat!
I thought I was eating meat.
Meat is meat.....right?

No. There is a little bitty synonym that everyone in my life
failed to mention to me.
Meat = muscle.


And I'm sure you are wondering, but no,
I'm not actually a vegetarian after realizing this.
And I actually ate my muscle in nugget form tonight.


Which only slightly grosses me out.
But really, even with knowing this information
i should have known since i was 7,
chicken nuggets are still chicken nuggets.
which may be a synonym for muscle.
but is actually also a synonym for yummy.


so i'll eat you my mckmuscle, and your little breading too.