Monday, October 12

Big Foot's Brother from another Mother

Dearest Shoprite.

Your prices may be rite.
But your pork selection is simply wrong.
As is your spelling of right.

A pork loin sale should be exciting
not frightening
as it was when i went to the aisle on sunday
looking for a 2.5 pound pork loin.

and lo and behold, that was not to be found.

your sale should have read
"Pork Monster found at bottom of river.
Monster's loin for sale this weekend!"

because only a monster pork's loin would weight in at 17 pounds.

and in my horrifying terror,
as i stumbled away from the case of monster loin,
i became even more frightened
as i saw various other pork products for sale.
things that should never be for sale.

pork hocks.
which are ankles.

pork hooves.
which are slightly like feet.

and pork skin.

shoprite. that is just wrong.

does anyone really walk into your store and say:
"May I please have some hock, hoof, and skin please? It's my uttermost shopper's delight."

oh market of shopping rite
how could a store that promised me so much right
only provide me with
so much wrong
and terror
and fear
and vomit in my mouth.

i just don't think i can shop in a store
that sells monster muscles.
and their itty bitty toes.
and all the bits in between.

and so,
dearest shoprite,
i regret to inform you this will be the last bit of correspondence between us.
and i will never walk through your doors again.

unless you have that fab sale on turkey hill skinny minty again.
then i'm totally there.

your biggest monster muscle hater,


  1. i've never really been a big fan of shoprite either