Tuesday, December 29

A bad case of the "Wondering Whys"












God is in control. 
And I'm very thankful for that.

Because as we all know
I would most certainly stink that job up.

But today as I run in the blustery winter wind and snow
Away from the reality
that is once again made known to me.....
I want to be in control.
for just a moment.
to just tweak God's plan
just the slightest bit.

Because quite possibly
He didn't hear me
quite right......
When I prayed and begged and pleaded
for the desires of my heart.

But the answer is once again no.
It always hits me in the face harder each time
it's said to me.
And today it feels really hard.

So I put on my boots.
And I run and run and run.
Away from reality
and towards it all at the same time.

And as I run
I think
and pray.
and ask why.

I run farther and farther.
I'm angry.
I feel sad.
and upset.
and wonder and cry and yell why.


Eventually, of course...
I stop running.
Partially because the truth hits me again in the head.
Partially because my non-running ability hits me too...
because of too many pieces of Christmas pie.
Followed by too many pieces of Christmas cookies.
And Christmas chips.
And not enough Christmas salads.

You get the point....

Anyway...
because of all of the above mentioned reasons....
I start walking
and i remember once again it's not for me to know why.

But even in that moment of undeniable truth
that it's not for me to know...
still want to know.
Just this once.
"I'll never ask again if you tell me now" I pray.
I try and barter this and that and say pretty please.
I say why a hundred-thousand times again.


Eventually
I just decide to shut up.
Excuse my language.

I'm just quiet.

And at first my prayers seem to be met with deafening silence.
Because the heavens did not open up and give me the answer
to my why.

But eventually
as I stay quiet,
I realize
that my prayers are not in fact being met with silence........
but met with peace.

The peace that passes all understanding.

when I finally do stop talking
and complaining
and questioning
and start listening...
I do stop asking why.
I don't ask even one more time.
not even silently.
not even a little bit.
I don't even want to know.

and I feel at peace.

So I calmly turn around
and walk back towards home.
thanking Him for peace.
and asking Him for nothing else.
because surely and positively He's given me more than
I deserve.
and that needs to be enough.
It is enough.
and it's not for me to ask what or when or why.

I'm just to stay quiet
and keep aspiring to please Him
in my actions and words and thoughts
and say
Thank You.

and then say nothing else.

even when it's hard.

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