Tuesday, March 30

Faith

I believed
that if I
had faith
God would open the door
to the things I hope for.
the things I am trusting Him for.

But that is not how it works.
The doors that open
are the ones that God intends to open.
Not the ones I try and will Him to open.

And I say
"bring it on- I'm strong. I love God. I will trust Him through anything"
but sometimes more times then I want to admit,
what I secretly mean is
"See God? I'm trusting you. It MUST be about time for a prize, a wish granted, a gift card to happiness".

But finally,
I realize
(after many months of not realizing)
this "faith" I claim to have
tends to be
circumstantial.
phony.
is just me trying to will God into granting my wishes
by jumping up and down and saying
"Look at me! I have faith! Pick me for a reward!"

yuck.
i fail.

So I started thinking.
What is faith?



Faith:
it's truly believing and trusting in God's perfect plan.
it's not contingent on if He grants me my wishes.

because He doesn't always grant us what we want
only what we need.
only what will help us grow in Him.

and that's a good thing.
and yet I let things get to me.
things that make me angry.
sad.
get a bad case of the "why me?'s"
that make me doubt.
that make me cry.
that make me close my eyes
and not pray
but wish
like I'm wishing upon a star
instead of praying to the God who made those stars.


So dare I say "bring it on?"
Am I really ready for God to test my faith?
Do I truly believe in His great plan for my life?
I say yes.

But then I almost delete those four lines...
because I'm scared to say that.
The sinner in me says
That means things will be taken away
or will never come to be.
I'll never be happy again.

but then again,
isn't faith being able to say that?
being able to say "Mold me. Make me into who I am to be"
being able to say it
without fear,
without doubt,
and without hesitation?

it's being able to lay all of my wishes at God's feet.
letting go of them.
and focus instead on thanking Him for His perfect plan for my life.
knowing He will follow through with that plan.

and being okay with that.


I'm not perfect.
I'm still on this journey.
It's tough.
It's hard.
I still eat my feelings
and cry.
I forget to pray.
forget to spend time with God.
but I am striving.
trying.

trying to have faith
without conditions.
without hesitations.
and without doubt.

And
I am realizing
that the only way I can stand strong
and have happiness, joy, and fulfillment
when that door is not opened
and may never be opened
will be truly trusting
in the One with the plan
the perfect plan
which I'm pretty positive will be way more perfect
than my plan could ever be.

and that,
my dear friends,
is where I believe true faith lies.
and where I will continually try
(and try again)
to stay.

1 comments:

  1. Faith
    is not belief without proof,
    but trust without reservations-
    trust in a God
    who has shown Himself trustworthy.

    ReplyDelete