Tuesday, April 27

I feel breathless...

as I read and learn about C2 fractures.

People are paralyzed.
God spared Dan from paralysis.

People die.
God spared Dan from death.


The doctor told us 97 out of 100 of these cases
end in death or paralysis.

The chills I get when I write that...
that my 27 year old husband almost lost his life...
or his ability to live a life where he has full mobility...
I just can't explain.

I sometimes can't believe he is here
sitting next to me
and able to still hold me.

God was so so so gracious to us.

God doesn't promise to
always give us "happy endings" in a worldly standpoint.
That's not what life is about.
Life isn't about us being happy.
It's about giving God glory in all circumstances.
Even hard ones.
Even permanently hard ones.

And yet, sometimes,
even though they are certainly not owed to us,
God chooses to bless us with happy endings.

And even though Dan and I are not at the end of this long road,
I already feel blessed.
I already feel the happy ending
as I hold my husband
and he holds me back.

And I could not thank God enough
for being so gracious.
He chose not to take husband from me.
He chose not to take Dan's mobility away from him.

God blessed us
by giving us opportunities
through this trial
to see and feel Him in such a new way.
and God blessed us
by sparing us from a permanently hard situation.
How could I ever stop thanking Him?
His blessings overflow.

God gave us everlasting life
if we accept Him as our Savior.
What more could we ask for?
It's already more than we deserve.

And yet, God gave Dan and I
this precious gift...
a second chance at life...
a life that will be filled with holding hands, snuggling, biking, running, and so forth...
my cup runneth over.

Monday, April 26

Three Candy Lies I Want To Believe

*One*
Eating four full-sized individually wrapped Reese cups
is just like eating four miniature Reese cups.
and certainly not like eating
two full sized packages of Reese cups.
or one king sized package of Reese cups.
that would be piggish.

*Two*
When you eat Hershey kisses,
if you tightly wrap all of your wrappers
into one tight wrapper-ball
it's just like you only ate one Hershey kiss.
and not six or eight or eleven.
that would be gluttonous.

*Three*
You only buy Transformer and Little Pony fruit snacks
because they were free at Acme.
and not for any reason related to an obsession with fruit snacks.
And you are free to eat four bags at once of these non-obsession
since they were free when you bought them.
And you are free to ignore the fast sugar heart beat.
because free equals no calories.
and not 360 sugar-filled 2-snicker-bars-worth-of-calories.

that's all I've got.
or all I'm willing to share.

who am I kidding.
i share everything on this blog.
it's really all i've got.
but it's not all the snacks that are in my belly.
just the ones i currently am lying to myself about.

the.end.

Sunday, April 25

i don't know what to say.

we visited the doctor friday morning
where we found out there is still a small chance
Dan will need surgery.
and we didn't get to ask our questions.
because the doctor still doesn't know any answers.
and then we went home.
and my parents left.
and dan started having weird symptoms.
and we spent 12 hours in the ER
due to jaw numbness and tingling arms.

the day we were looking forward to,
one we hoped would be filled of good news and answers
turned into a very stressful day.
it was very scary.
i felt tired.
sad.
anxious.
worried.
upset.
sick.of.this.

and i just wanted my husband to be better.
i don't like seeing him like this.
i don't like being scared.
i don't like that he's hurting.

we really felt like we hit the bottom.
it was a rough fall.
i just felt so sad.
so disappointed that we had so many new questions.
and no answers.

but it's in those time 
where I have to stay focused.
where I really need to hold on
to what is true.
God loves us.
He has a plan.
He will protect Dan.

but sometimes i feel tired of
trying to stay focused.
it feels easy to feel sad.

and it's okay to be sad.
it's what we do with those feelings.
do I give up and just stick with being sad and disappointed?
or do I rely on God for strength and ask Him for joy?

my true desire
is that I won't miss the lessons God has for me to learn through this.
that I will be teachable.
that I will grow in my faith.
that I will never be the same.
that I will live life the way God wants to to live it.

but right now. it feels hard.

sometimes God gives us joy
through happy things
and it's easy to have joy
when things are peachy.

right now, it feels hard to have joy.
but I still desire it.
I want to have joy in all things.
and i know that strength and joy and happiness
when going through trials,
can ONLY come through God.

and because of that,
having joy means even more
because I know the joy came
not from within myself
but from my Lord.

and it's pretty neat that the God of the universe
cares enough about me
to supply all of my needs
and helps me have joy in all things.

tragedy and joy seem like such opposites!
true joy comes from the Lord.

how could we stop being joyful when we think about...
who God is.
and how much He loves us.
and how He died for us.
knowing He is in complete control of our lives.

and even more incredible...
is that along with joy through trials
Christ provides never ending love and perfect peace.
it is amazing to me.


it leaves me on my knees in gratitude.
it leaves me with joy.
it leaves me with peace.
it leaves me speechless.

how great our God is.

Tuesday, April 20

We drive home tomorrow...

and Dan's neck is still broken.

and I'm scared.
my stomach hurts.

I feel like I controlled Dan's safety here.
and I can control his safety when we get home.

And in the car tomorrow....
and on our way to Philadelphia on Friday...
it will all be different.
because there are other cars.
traffic.
bumps.
turns.
so many things
"out of my control".

oh ME of little faith.

pretty sure God has proven to me
particularly in these past 18 days
that HE is ALWAYS in control (not me).

He is in control here at my parents' house (not me).
He will be in control at home (not me).


And He will be in control in the car.
Not me.
It's never me.
I'm never in control.
it's small-minded of me to ever think that I am.
and God has protected Dan so far
and I truly believe in His capability to protect Dan's neck in the car.
and I'm truly glad He is the One in control.

but I still feel scared.
blog o' honest thoughts here...

and tomorrow is going to be a struggle
to surrender all of my fears.
to continually trust in God's protection.
His perfect plan.
His control.
and so I will be fighting those struggles tomorrow
through prayer.
because it's the only way to make it through.

Why Surrender?

I think that if I truly believe in what God says is true.... 
His plan is perfect. 
He is good.
His Word is truth.
He loves me.
If I truly believe those things...
then the only response IS to surrender.


If I truly believe His plan is perfect, 
why would I ever want to be in charge?


If I truly believe He is good, 
why would I ever question His perfect plan?


If I truly believe His Word is truth, 
why would I doubt His promises?


If I truly believe He loves me,
why would I ever worry He doesn't?


Now let me be honest here.
I struggle. 
I struggle every day.
It is hard because we are sinful, forgetful human beings. 


but I just keep going back to what I know to be true.

We are commanded to give up our struggles to Him.

We should want to! 
He gave the ultimate sacrifice in dying for us. 
and so we should trust Him with our lives.
because without Him, 
we have no life. 





For God...
There is nothing we could not surrender to Him.
No worry is too overwhelming for God.
He is not baffled by any question.
No fear is bigger than He is.

So when we fail...

*when, not if*
I think it's important to not be discouraged.
Just get back up.
Tell Him you are sorry 
and give your struggles to Him again. 


He will always, always take you back,
wrap you up in His love,
and give you perfect peace.

Saturday, April 17

Worry wants to be my middle name...

but I'm trying to ninja-kick it right out of my brain.


1 Peter 5:10 says "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."


God who GIVES grace
and has called me His child (which I totally don't deserve)
is preparing a place for me.
and will restore me.
support me.
strengthen me.
and place me on a firm foundation.

I almost want to question God..... "Why me?"
I sin... fall... stumble... battle with worry... more times than I want to admit!
Doesn't He ever get tired of giving me grace,
restoring and strengthening me,
and molding me?

No, He doesn't. 
He loves us unconditionally.
He uses each circumstance
to help us become more like Himself (if we let Him).

Charles Cowman says it better than I can.....
"The present circumstance, which presses so hard against you, IF surrendered to Christ, is the best shaped tool in the Father's hand to chisel you for eternity. Trust Him, then. Do not push away the instrument lest you lose its work."


I need to trust.
obey.
leave all my worries at His feet.
and let Him mold me.
and allow Him to work in my life
so that I can become more and more
like Jesus.

Friday, April 16

Surrendering Daily

My pastor gave a sermon in December 2008 that I will never forget.
During this sermon, we were challenged
to surrender everything, even the hard things, to our Heavenly Father.

I had a lot of worries, fears, and frustrations
in every area of my life.
and I hadn't laid any of it at Jesus' feet.
and all the baggage felt so heavy.
I felt miserable. and tired.

I was worried about everything.
There was a lot going on around me that I thought wasn't fair.
Many things weren't going "my way".
and I was harboring all of it in my heart.
I had a skewed view on life for sure...
I somehow convinced myself that life was all about me.


And what I realized that day,
what was stamped upon my heart,
what changed my life,
was that I needed to surrender it all.
and I needed to commit to surrendering it all daily.

I needed to be confident that everything that was placed in my life
was perfectly placed by God to help me grow.
to become the person God called me to be.
to bring Him glory.


I came into church that day pretending to be okay.
But inside, I felt broken.
and tired of carrying so many worries and frustrations.
I just started crying in the back pew.
and all I could do was tell God I was sorry.
and surrender it all to Him.
and it felt so good to just give it to Jesus.

And that day in the pew, I surrendered it all over to Jesus.

the. end.

ummm, no.
Because it wasn't a magic pill I popped in my mouth.
I didn't surrender once and become Perfectly Perfect In Every Way...

In the days (weeks, months, years) that followed,
I wanted to take back my fanny pack of worries
because I almost felt safe with it wrapped around myself...
It had become a part of who I am.
but it was an ugly part.
And I had to surrender it all again.
and again.
and again.


I even wrote this song and sang it
whenever I felt the "worry urge".
I mean, seriously people, 
I really wanted to surrender my life for good,
but it was really, really hard. 

And to this day, 16 months later,
I still find myself having to surrender daily.
and some many days it feels hard....

but it always feels really good once I finally give it all to Jesus.

and I truly believe that in trusting Him with everything,
even though it's hard...
and leaning on Him for strength,
because it IS hard...
and responding based on what I know to be true of the One who saved me...
I can live my life surrendered.
confident in the One who is in control.
and allow Him to be the center of all I think and do.


I want to end this post with my most favorite quote in the whole wide world.
It reminds me that life isn't about me being comfy.
that sometimes, hard times are going to happen.
and in those hard times,
I need to glorify Him.
surrendering daily each worry and fear associated with each situation.

"God’s goal is not to make sure you’re happy. Life is not about your being comfortable, happy, successful and pain free. It is about becoming the person God has called you to be. Life is not about you. It’s about God. He doesn’t exist to make us happy. We exist to bring Him glory."

Tuesday, April 13

*Cuteness For Sale*


My friend Sarah is now selling her adorable hair clips online! 
They are presh. 
and fresh.

She uses high quality felt and embroidery floss
and large snap clips 
that will even stay in fine hair.

These would have been nice
when I was little...
I was a fine girl with some big bad fine hair...
and my dear mother had to use hair glue 
to put bows in the small curl of hair on the top of my head.
Pink Squeeze would have come in handy then!

My favorite is the "Ruby". 
What's yours?
Click on the "Pink Squeeze" picture on my sidebar to see for yourself!
or you can just click here!

Sunday, April 11

Snacks are Back

The Lord has certainly been teaching me a lot
and I have wanted to share everything I have been learning
and forgetting and learning again. (just being honest over here...)
and I will always always write about those things
because they are so important to me.

But for those of you that are new readers since Dan's accident....
I want to explain this blog.
It's a smorgasbord of different topics 
I like to write about good times.
hard times.
learning times.
simple pleasures.
and a lot about food.
and snacks.

I may have an obsession with food and writing about it.

And though my mind has been far from food
the past week....
I would like to say that last night, 
my appetite found my blog again
and they embraced in a long welcome.

I went out 
with my mom and sister
for a little birthday outing (happy 19th to Nicole)
while my Dad lovingly stayed with Dan
and held the puke bowl for him 
and took all of my calls about Dan's neck
and gave him his medicine
and cleaned the puke bowl...
(best dad ever).

And while we were out, I had a snack that blew my mind.
and it certainly is one to share about.
my oh my.
And so I may have gone to McDonalds once twice
once on the way and once on the way back
of our little birthday outing...
just to taste the awesomeness.

Seriously people, 
this snack is the. best.

Enter: The Big Mac Snack Wrap
Picture all the goodness found in a big mac.
The meat, lettuce, cheese, pickles,
and that secret sauce
which tastes like Thousand Island Dressing
because it probably is...


in a tortilla.

Yes, my dear friends.
The makers of the big mac
and the makers of the tortilla
teamed up to bring this amazingness.

Ahhhmazing.

And so I had it twice yesterday.
And I renamed it as the
"Big Mac Snack Attack"
which my sweet mother
shouted into the drive-through speaker
because I forgot to tell her
that was this special treat's made up name
and not the real name.

And we started laughing and laughing.
and the laughing continued
when the lady on the other side said
in that "Can't you read the sign" kind of way...
"You mean you want a snack wrap?"
and my mother proceeded to tell her
the entire story about how her daughter renamed it
and she didn't know
and so forth...


It felt really nice to get out
and laugh
and eat good snacks.
though I wished Dan could have come...


On a related note,
I am sooo thankful Dan and I are living with my parents
for a few weeks
and that they are willing to tag team with me
in taking care of my sweet healing husband.

It felt nice to get out and smell the roses big macs.

Now please, for the love,
go to McDonalds and try this tortilla beefy goodness.
You won't be sorry
and at $1.50, your wallet will be as happy
as your belly.

Love.

Saturday, April 10

It was one of those days....

We had a scare this morning when Dan woke up tingling and with some numbness.
It was frightening.
I tried to stay calm
but inside I panicked big time...
and it may have come out a little bit more than a little bit...

I tried to picture God's hand in it
but it felt too hard.
Again, I wanted to take my fears and clutch them to me.
I felt like if I held on to them,
maybe I could somehow think them away.

But I couldn't.
And all I could do was
just cover my face with my hands
and pray
and shakily give the fears to the Lord
who steadily took them from me.

In the end, the tingling and numbness
according to the doctor who called us back 5 and a half hours after we called...
was not related to Dan's C2 breaks...
that it could have been because Dan was cold or slept funny the night before.

The doctor was pretty sure...
(and I'm someone who likes definite answers....)
so the doctor's phone call
left me pretty okay
but a little bit not.


Again, I had to give my fears to the Lord.
Again, it was hard.
But again, the Lord took them from me and
I felt peace.


When I look back,
it was certainly one of those days
especially for my sweet husband.

There was some shaking
some tingling
some throwing up
and a whole lot of fear...

But God took all of that away
(He is so so gracious to us)
and here I am...
sitting on the couch...
with a peacefully sleeping husband
and a heart filled with peace.

How great our God is.

Thursday, April 8

Centering Our Thoughts

Last Thursday, we drove up to my parents' house for a little vacation.

I had a lot on my mind.

What I was planning on doing: 
hike.
celebrate my birthday.
attend Good Friday and Easter services.
relax and eat good food.
and spend lots of time with my family.

Various worries and complaints:  
if my clothes were getting wrinkled in my suitcase.
if I brought the right shoes for hiking.
about traffic (and planning on being thoroughly annoyed if there was any).
wondering if we would have a lot of uninterrupted fun.


Last Friday, everything changed.
Suddenly, 
The only thing I planned on doing was praying.
The only thing I was worried about was if my husband would be paralyzed.
Everything else in my mind flew out.

Suddenly God, who could easily slip my mind
when I had other "important" things to think about
was the only One I could keep on my mind.

Of course,
I would like to think
that I never completely forget about God.
It's just that other things come to the forefront of my mind.

And really,
I should be centering every thought around God.
He's not something in a line
ready to be thought about.

And I don't really believe that we should say
He is at the front of the line either.
Because when you say it like that,
it still sounds like God is taking a turn...

when really,

God should be the center of all we think and do.


Do I believe that this life lesson
is easily learned?
That this test that the Lord set before my husband and I this past weekend
makes me perfect at placing Him at the center of every thought and action?

Certainly not.
In fact today,
I was worried again about Dan's brace not fitting.
And I harbored that worry in my heart.
That worry was really hard to give up
even though God proved it very clearly this week
that He is in control.

And so once again, 
I had to ask God for forgiveness for not wanting to trust Him
and surrender that thought to Him
and let Jesus again be the center of my thoughts.

Of course that doesn't mean it's wrong to think about other things,
like vacationing or fun snacks or our daily plans....

It's just that I am realizing 
that no matter what I am thinking about
I should always be striving to put Him at the center of those thoughts.

Sometimes these posts are hard to end.
I feel like the things I write about are things everyone knows...
I mean, I certainly know them.
But I feel like I easily forget 
these simple truths
even right after God proves to be everything I know about Him

But that's the journey we are on, right?
We will certainly fall down and fail...
The important thing is what we do after we fall.

Do we stay on our bellies and cry and say
"It's too hard...I don't want to give it to you Lord?"
That might seem easier...

But I suggest that we get back up,
on our knees this time
and give our worries and struggles back to God
and allow our lives to be filled back up with Him...

because it's only then when we can really start living again.

Tuesday, April 6

~*~Matthew 11:28~*~

The nature of Dan's condition
feels like an ongoing test of faith.

There is no quick fix to bone fixing.
It's just letting them rest and heal.
and pray that everything heals quickly and correctly.


This requires a heart filled with
patience.
peace.
complete trust in the Great Protector.


I have a heart that
tries to be filled with these things.
prays to be filled with these things.

Yet, even though God has proven Himself to be faithful in my life
time and time again, (here's an example)
I. still. struggle.


It's hard to not let "Worry" be my middle name.

Even as I lie on the couch
watching Dan sleep in the easy-chair,
I am thinking
"Is his brace on tight enough?"
"Will he try to take it off while on his heavy medication?"
"What if I fall asleep and he tries to get up?"
"What if he does need surgery and the doctor is wrong?"
"How will we get to NJ safely?"
and so forth....

And each time I worry,
I have to remind myself,
Ashley. Pray.

and I do.
and I know God hears me.
I know He has a perfect plan for our lives.
Dan breaking his neck is part of that plan.
God knew it was going to happen.
He knows what is going to happen tonight.
and tomorrow.
and next week.
and on the way home to New Jersey.

My job is to have complete faith in Him.
and truly believe His perfect plan will be carried out.

He is molding Dan and I to become who we are meant to be.
We are being molded to become more like Christ.
and I feel blessed to know that God cares enough about me
to mold me and make me more like Himself.

And in these times of worry,
where my mind starts to wander
and my heart starts to race,
I need to....
reflect on all that God has done.
be confident that He will continue to do great things.
lay all of my burdens down at Jesus' feet.
and rest in the shelter of His love for me.

Monday, April 5

Our God is Gracious

I am so so thankful that Dan can walk. 
hold my hand. 
talk. 
breathe. 
Words cannot express. 

Dan is sleeping in an easy chair. 
I am so thankful to hear him breathing. 
I keep looking through all of our pictures. 
I keep thinking about all the adventures 
the Lord has already allowed us to take together.
how He has done more than enough for Dan and I.
He has blessed us so incredibly
just by giving us each other.
He doesn't owe us anything.

It means so much that God spared Dan's life.
He keeps our hearts beating.
He owes us nothing.
Yet, He is gracious.
I am so so thankful that I can look at these pictures and say 
"We will be able to do these things again". 


          
     Rodeo in Dallas


         
           Hiking in New York


Legoland in California   

                         
  San Diego 


Punta Cana             

                       
 Backpacking in NY


 
Boat Cruise in San Francisco  

           

  Schroon Lake-ing


Sightseeing in San Francisco      

               
 New York City


Biking in Pennsylvania


God is so good to us. 
He didn't have to spare Dan's life
or spare him from paralysis.
He chose to.
and we will be forever grateful.

Peace: Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing (including C2 vertebra breaks).

But in everything by prayer and supplication (the only way through dark times),

let your requests be made known to God (He is always listening- even in the darkest hour).

And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension (the peace only He can bring and sustain- no one can explain it)

will guard your heart and mind through Christ Jesus. (Amen).

"The Nine Words That Will Change Your Life"

Rejoice always.
Pray without ceasing.
In everything give thanks.

Sunday, April 4

The Past 48 Hours

We feel so loved to have so many people care and ask about Dan and his accident. We could feel your prayers. I have written below the whole story. Let it be a testament to God's protection and mercy that He has blessed us with. He is so so good.



"Let's move the tv armoire downstairs."

Dan is on the bottom.

I hear a crash.

The tv stand slips out of his hands.
It smashes him into the wall.
He somehow gets out.

Panic.
Fear.
His ear is bleeding.
His neck hurts.

We drive to the clinic 30 miles away.

"You should never have moved with a neck injury."

Neck brace.
Ambulance.
Glens Falls Hospital.

Laying in the ER for two hours.
CT scan taken.

Waiting.

"Dan, hold my hand while I tell you this news.
Your neck is broken in 3 places.
It is highly unstable."

I fall to the ground.

I keep squeezing Dan's hand.
He keeps wiggling his toes.

One hour later, the special ambulance team arrives.

They study the CT scan to prepare to move Dan.

Dan is strapped in.
Everyone is scared.

No one can believe Dan rode 30 miles in a car without protection.
They must not have known he was held by the Protector.

Dad prays over Dan.

One hour ambulance ride.
I follow with mom and dad in the car.
Praying.

We walk in the ER.
50 people are around Dan.
We aren't allowed in.

"Can he move his fingers and toes?"
I am crying.

"We can't tell you anything for 15-20 minutes."

Waiting. Praying. Shaking.

We finally see him.

"Dan is fortunate- one move and he could have been paralyzed. People try to move their necks and fall to the ground."

ER.
Talk of emergency surgery or a halo.
The guy next to Dan is having a heart attack.
We see the three large cracks on Dan's vertebra on the computer.

So scared.

Moved to the spine ward.

It's a waiting game.

MRI.

The nurse sits down with me alone and goes through all the options.
Surgery- potential of paralysis from the jaw down.
Halo.
Months of recovery.

I am shaking.

God allows that moment to be
when my best friend arrives.

She sits with me.
We talk about different scenarios.
What would happen.
What we would do.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

MRI is finished.

We wait.
Pray.


Doctor tells us he feels there will be no surgery.
No halo.
How can this be?
We are happy but a little in disbelief.
We are nervous.
We have to wait for the head surgeon
to hear the final word.

Nightime.
Dan can't sleep.
Neither can I.

He starts shaking
uncontrollably.

Nurse takes forever to give him something.

Praying the shaking doesn't hurt him
The Glens Falls nurse told us any movement could damage him.

The Lord protects him.

Waiting.
Friends.
Family.
We feel the love.
We feel all the prayers.

Doctor concurs with the night doctor.
Says "You will not go paralyzed. Just don't get into a car accident or something".

We have long drives ahead.
I'm scared.
My faith holds me.

Scans.
Scopes.
X-rays.
Tubes.

So many questions.
Waiting for answers.

We keep hearing how lucky Dan is.
Lucky?
No, God protected him.


Some scary moments.
Moving Dan so many times.
Trying on new braces.
Figuring out medicines with Dan's allergy to morphine.


God protects Dan.


We hear more and more.
"He's going to be okay.
Just be careful as he heals."

I think, "We were careful when we were moving furniture."
Clearly, "just be careful" scares me.

We survive on faith alone.


"Dan's doing better than we could have hoped."

We keep hearing
"He's so lucky."

Luck had nothing to do with it.


We travel home.
"God protect us."
God does.

We thank Him.

He is so gracious to us.
I keep holding Dan's hand.
He says he feels like God gave him a second chance at life.

I feel the same way.
God doesn't owe us anything.
Everything is a gift.

We have a long road ahead.
We are scared.
Cautious.
Nervous.

God will protect Dan's neck.
God will fill us with peace.
He is doing it right now.

What would we do without our faith in Jesus Christ?
If John 3:16 wasn't true?
If we didn't have the resurrection to celebrate today?

I couldn't have made it through this weekend
without my faith.
without all the prayers.
Dan feels the same way.

So that is the story.
In a nutshell.
I feel like the past weekend was a whole year long.
But the events also feel like a whirlwind.

The next six months will feel so long.
But in the end, Dan will be like new.
There should be no mobility loss.

I don't know how to end this note.
Except to say thank you for your prayers.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for your comments.
We are forever thankful for our family in Christ.

Saturday, April 3

When Faith is Tested

In my Tuesday night blog post,
I wrote:


So dare I say "bring it on?"
Am I 
really ready for God to test my faith?
Do I truly believe in His great plan for my life?
I say yes.

But then I almost delete those four lines...
because I'm scared to say that.
The sinner in me says
 

That means things will be taken away
or will never come to be.
I'll never be happy again.





On Friday,
God tested me.
My husband broke his neck.


Faith.
It's what you immediately grasp to 
when you are uncontrollably shaking
when you hear the furniture crash down the stairs
and know your husband is underneath it.


It's the only thing you can hold on to
When the news comes 
that there could be a chance
you may never feel your husband hold onto you again.


It's the peace that passes understanding 
when you can't understand
why your husband is lying in a hospital bed.


It's believing God is good
when the worst could happen 
as they move him from stretcher to board
and board to bed.
and move him 11 times
on the day of his injury.


It's asking God to test your faith
And then trusting Him when He does
as you watch your husband suffer
through tests.
scans.
tubes.
scopes.
and fear.


Faith.
It's peace through prayer.
It's belief in Christ.
It's resting in God's perfect plan.


The sinner in me says "Why"
But then I immediately rush to my faith.
my faith in prayer.
in hope.
in healing.
in my good, good Savior.