Sunday, April 25

i don't know what to say.

we visited the doctor friday morning
where we found out there is still a small chance
Dan will need surgery.
and we didn't get to ask our questions.
because the doctor still doesn't know any answers.
and then we went home.
and my parents left.
and dan started having weird symptoms.
and we spent 12 hours in the ER
due to jaw numbness and tingling arms.

the day we were looking forward to,
one we hoped would be filled of good news and answers
turned into a very stressful day.
it was very scary.
i felt tired.

and i just wanted my husband to be better.
i don't like seeing him like this.
i don't like being scared.
i don't like that he's hurting.

we really felt like we hit the bottom.
it was a rough fall.
i just felt so sad.
so disappointed that we had so many new questions.
and no answers.

but it's in those time 
where I have to stay focused.
where I really need to hold on
to what is true.
God loves us.
He has a plan.
He will protect Dan.

but sometimes i feel tired of
trying to stay focused.
it feels easy to feel sad.

and it's okay to be sad.
it's what we do with those feelings.
do I give up and just stick with being sad and disappointed?
or do I rely on God for strength and ask Him for joy?

my true desire
is that I won't miss the lessons God has for me to learn through this.
that I will be teachable.
that I will grow in my faith.
that I will never be the same.
that I will live life the way God wants to to live it.

but right now. it feels hard.

sometimes God gives us joy
through happy things
and it's easy to have joy
when things are peachy.

right now, it feels hard to have joy.
but I still desire it.
I want to have joy in all things.
and i know that strength and joy and happiness
when going through trials,
can ONLY come through God.

and because of that,
having joy means even more
because I know the joy came
not from within myself
but from my Lord.

and it's pretty neat that the God of the universe
cares enough about me
to supply all of my needs
and helps me have joy in all things.

tragedy and joy seem like such opposites!
true joy comes from the Lord.

how could we stop being joyful when we think about...
who God is.
and how much He loves us.
and how He died for us.
knowing He is in complete control of our lives.

and even more incredible...
is that along with joy through trials
Christ provides never ending love and perfect peace.
it is amazing to me.

it leaves me on my knees in gratitude.
it leaves me with joy.
it leaves me with peace.
it leaves me speechless.

how great our God is.


  1. Thank you for being so open, honest, and human. I can already see how you have grown in wisdom and in truth through all of this. As tired and scared as you feel, seeing you the other night, I could sense your peace and understanding. It reminded me of in "Crazy Love" how Chan said our understanding of God is how much can water can fit in a a soda can.. but God is really all the oceans of the earth. I love the verses at the end of 1 Corinthians 13. For so long whenever I read that chapter I zoned in on the attributes of love, felt kind of like a failure, but then took it as a challenge. However, I love verse 12 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now we know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."

    I am really proud of you guys, if God only gives us what we can handle, what a cool thing to know that God knows, through Him, you are able to handle SUCH a daunting experience. Our bodies and lives are so temporary, so frail, what a crazy, unrelentless love God has for us.

    You are filling my thoughts, my heart and my prayers, love you guys!!