Tuesday, May 18

Sometimes...

when the hustle and bustle slows down
and my mind is tired of thinking

i am just quiet.

i have so many questions
but i'm too tired to ask "why".

sometimes
i stay busy
so the pain is forgotten.
so the longings
leave the forefront of my heart.

but sometimes
i am tired of staying busy.

and instead i am quiet.

and the pain comes flooding back in.

and i want to pray.
but i have no words.
so am just quiet.

longing for the Lord to take my pain away
and wishing He would do so by giving me
my heart's desire
but knowing He may quiet my pain
by saying "No. Find your desire in me."

and i'm sad to say
that the reason i cry
is because sometimes I want more than God.

sometimes it's hard to find contentment in Him.

sometimes i want to shout and yell and scream
"It's not fair. You never make things fair."

but I know
in my deepest of hearts
that a "fair" is where you ride rides and eat cotton candy.

that God doesn't have us all on a balance scale...
playing games to make all sides even.

can you imagine?
"a little pain for her... a little joy for him...whoops...too much joy- it's not fair now. i'll throw his life a curveball. now a drop of happiness for her and we're good to go. fairness for all!"


no.
He has a special plan for each person.
and He is carrying it out just as it should be.
It's not measured by our version of fairness.
We don't all get the same scoop of life.
God gives us exactly what we need.
And sometimes more.
But never less.

Because really, none of us deserve anything.
And yet, God sent His Son to die for us.
He gave us grace and all we have to do is believe.
That's all we need.
And it's ours.
It can never be taken from us.

so why in the world does that sometimes not feel like enough?

so i sit here.
i am just quiet.
waiting on Him
to quiet my heart
to restore me.
to help me find full contentment in Him.

because although sometimes God doesn't feel like enough...
I know He is.
And I am want to live my life based on what I know.


Do you ever struggle with God being enough?

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