Tuesday, June 29

Tips for Buying a Bathing Suit

You should never ever wait
until one and one quarter hours until a party
to buy a bathing suit.

You should never tack on the challenge
of bathing suit season already beginning
with all the early birds getting the suits.
Because guaranteed, whatever size you are, they will not have.

You rush from store to store
in such a frantic sweaty mess
that you can't remember if you just had swam
or are just swimming in sweat.

You get a crazed look in your eye
and start screaming in your brain
as you look for something in your size
that has more fabric than a candy wrapper.

You, who are usually all decked out sale conscientious,
act like your doppelganger, Jayma Mays,
pretending you make the big bucks shooting Glee,
and don't even look at the prices
but just grab frantically like you a child in a candy store closing sale.

You throw your hands up to the bathing suit heavens
and shout for some help down here in the Macys.

You do a chlorine pool dance to the makers of bathing suits
summoning a bathing suit just for you.

You even offer to buy the sales associate a present if she has your size.

Sometimes, the story ends sad.
You go home empty handed and have to swim in your rain jacket
since it's the next best thing.

Sometimes, the story ends happy
like it did for me that day.
I found something with no time to spare
that I actually liked.

I did pay the big smacks for it however...
but I bandaged that credit card purchase up
by asking for a coupon and getting 20% off

soooo it was only a little bit horrible amount of money.

But dear friends, for the love,
do not follow my example.
Buy a bathing suit bright and early
and give yourself enough time.

But if that fails and you are in my shoes,
then by all means,
throw up your arms,
do a little chlorine pool dance to the maker of bathing suits,
and offer sales associates presents for helping you.

It will work every time
with no guarantee from me
because actually, 
no studies have been shown to see how affective chlorine pool dances are.

but it's worth a shot for sure.

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