Wednesday, May 11

Letter to Vacate

Ashley Stephens
Pillow Castle
Leather Couch, NJ

Baby A and Baby B
Womb of Ashley Stephens
Belly, NJ

Subject: Notice to Vacate

Dear Baby A and Baby B,

This letter constitutes written notice to vacate the womb immediately.

You need to remove yourself as soon as possible. I expect you to leave things the way you found them as soon as you vacate. The reasons for your immediate removal are as follows:

1. Mommy has no more clothes that fit and so the premises need an immediate remodel.

2. Mommy waddles like a duck on sleeping pills.

3. The womb you have occupied and stretched has caused Mommy's stomach to become numb, thus proving you have overstayed your womb welcome.

4. When Mommy's stomach growls, she feels it in her ribs by her armpit. This is evidence that things are not where they used to be.

5. Mommy's belly button looks painted on.

6. Your brand new bedroom, clothes, stroller, and accessories are all begging to be used and are way better than the amniotic fluid home you are swimming in.

7. Mommy can no longer get up from the floor but has to shamefully scoot on her booty to the stairs to pull herself up. This is proof that the foundation your home is built on is crumbling.

8. There are bets being made on what day Mommy's stomach is actually going to explode. Mommy's bet is today. So it is in your best interest to vacate the premises immediately.

9. Spirograph tattoos are out of fashion and Mommy's keeps growing. Again, the premises needs a
face belly lift... and that can't be done with two occupants inside.

10. Mommy's face, hands, and feet are starting to swell like a beached whale... whatever that is.

But truthfully, sweet babies, none of these reasons really mean anything. We want you to vacate the premise so you can occupy your new home, which we have ready just for you. We love you and want to see your pretty little faces in person.

So, for the love of all things good and holy, please vacate promptly. for. the. love.

Thanking you,
Ashley Stephens (aka Mommy)