Tuesday, January 17

yes. i go to the gym now.

ok. I need to start blogging again.
I am behind in posting the girls' weekly pictures.
I need to be better at that.

I also need to be better at blogging, period.
about stuff.
like how many double stuffed oreos i have eaten since the babies were born
(like enough to go around the world at least four times).
and how chubby i am.
like really. it's bad.
like "eat-a-half-of-a-digiorno-pizza-and-a-piece-of-wegmans-sheet-cake-and-some-cheez-its-and-still-feel-hungry-because-my-stomach-is-a-bottomless-pit-of-food-wanting-chub" chubby.

so for two weeks now,
i've been going to the gym.
you're shocked?
i'm shocked, too.
here is my true life experience while i'm there...

picture me.
with my thunder thighs and jelly belly
rocking out to Black Eyed Peas
in my pre-fat workout pants
which my muffin top is rockin.

then picture this.
there are skinny minny girls all around me
going twice as fast, barely breaking a sweat
and looking twice (or more like 10 times) as nice
in their workout clothes.
seriously. they look hot.
and i just look like a hot mess.

feeling sorry for me yet?
well there they are, bouncing about, averaging 10 miles an hour
not even breaking a sweat
while i'm going approximately a tenth of a mile an hour
dripping in so much sweat
that i look like i just came from some swimming/diving attempts
and forgot to change my clothes.

suddenly i have a drink-water-now-or-you-will-surely-die emergency
and i forget to sip slowly and inhale water instead and start choking
while trying to keep cool and carry on.

in case you didn't know, drinking is hard when you are also ellipticalling.
well, it's hard unless you are one of the skinny minnies next to me...
i'm pretty sure they were texting, on Facebook, and smiling
all while taking cute little sips from their water bottles while their pony tails bounced.
meanwhile, i couldn't even manage to drink some water
without almost falling off the machine.

and why am i telling the world this?
because it needs to stop.
i need to stop the madness
and be able to wear my clothes
without a scarf.

yes. you probably have seen me in a scarf recently
and thought i have an obsessive desire to wear scarves every day.
truth be told, i wear them to hide the twin baby belly jiggle
that the babies forgot to take with them when they exited.

i even contemplated wearing a scarf while working out at the gym tonight.
true story.
but i decided the only thing more foolish looking
than a thunder thighed, jelly bellied, muffin topped female on the elliptical
is a thunder thighed, jelly bellied, muffin topped, scarf wearing female on the elliptical.

and so i ventured out into skinny (wo)man land
and got on that elliptical
and jiggled myself all the way over 2 miles.
and even though i almost died
from drowning in sweat and choking on water
it felt good.

and hopefully the miles (and the miles per hour) will go up
and the jiggle will go down
and the scarfs can come off
and the pants can be buttoned.
wait. i didn't tell you the scarf is also hiding unbuttoned pants?
well, guess what, my friends...